Jul 30, 2009

Time to give in?

"Never give up, never, never give up." Winston Churchill

I called to speak to my father a few days ago. He's in ailing health and the latest surgery he had resulted in complications. He was still in bed when I called, so I spoke to his wife instead.

I've always felt it an eerie coincidence that when my Dad met her, she was employed as a drug and alcohol counselor and I am certain the wedge may have been drawn further between my mother and I because I used to seek the new wife's advice, while I was a senior in high school and the divorce wound was still fresh and stinging my mother daily. I told my father's wife in so many words that for the first time in my life I may have just given up on my mother becoming sober ever again.
She said never give up, and that's all well and good everything inside of me screams to.

There is a part of me that really truly believes my mother may have just reached the point of no return. Every damage in her life is another reason to take a drink and she's been in and out of the hospital for acute appendicitis, cured, released and in and out of rehab, "cured" and released. I wonder...

As I mentioned in previous posts she once graduated to being a "functioning alcoholic," holding down a full time job, a house in the Hamptons and an active social life. I at least gave her some credit for having a life or at least successfully creating the illusion of one but now she has let that place, that beautiful home rot (yes, it bothers me, because I know personally how proud she was of that home, her own home, her own chance of serenity?!)

I feel for her, I love her and I wish her the best but I can no longer stand being in her company or trying to rely on her- her behavior is so erratic and unpredictable its just one more stress I have to deal with. I'm already caring for my grandparents several days a week (one has Alzheimer's, one has bone and lung cancer) and I balance my own business hustling outside of the home while trying to make money freelance writing with preparing presentations and growing my project trying to be a good, caring wife and hard working band member, plus I do a lot of volunteer work. We are in trying economic times and just like everyone else I've got a lot on my plate.

Its frustrating for me to see my mother doing nothing but sit and feel sorry for herself and drink. She's escaping life, I am facing it head on. Is giving up on her escaping in a way or is that justified?I could use some help on this. I'm just trying not to think of her. Its depressing and I've fought for a long time trying to accept the fact she is gone from my life for now, silent and content in her own private corner of the world.

1 comment:

  1. AnonymousJuly 21, 2012

    I don't see it as giving up...I see it as putting your needs before your mother's. As adults we are all capable of making choices for ourselves, and your mother has made her choices. Your choice I see as caring enough about yourself that you do what's best for you.


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