Book Review-Great informative book for ACoA's

"ACoA's are truly our own breed"  Book Review (orginally published October 29, 2008) but several people are finding  it to be useful, so I thought I'd share it with new readers and anyone that will be able to benefit.

This review is about: The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love (Paperback)


Adult Children of Alcoholics are the same as we are at home, at work and in love.

We are a breed of our own with many stumbles along the road to reality. I often wondered why I could start so many projects and yet abandon them long before completion, and why I never understood what normal was, taking myself and life too seriously and struggling to find appropriate levels of intimacy in all of my relationships.

Author Janet Woititz leaves no stone unturned, no symptom or characteristic of an Adult Child unexamined.

 The book is divided into three parts based on its subtitle: How ACoA's function at home, at work and in love. Each part begins with a personal message from the author as if she takes the reader by the hand to offer validation and to lead us bravely through to the next section.

There is even a chapter called "So You Love an ACoA" for those of us whose partners still totally don't understand what we survived.

Regarding the ACoA at work, Woititz discusses our tendency towards workaholism, burnout and the subtle sabotage we may create in our jobs. A variety of professions are disected: medical student, priest, foreman, counselor, supervisor, caregiver or any employee according to how the profession relates to the ACoA, what we need to look out for and how what we've been through grants us the knowledge of how to succeed in our chosen professions. The tail end of the book even features valuable guidance for Employee Assistance programs.

This book is filled with several "Aha!" moments for me (especially Chapter 2 "What Happened to You as a Child?" and Chapter 3, "Breaking the Cycle.")

I recommend its timeless information to any adult who grew up with an alcoholic parent or any form of dysfunction. Comments?

Interested? You can order the book on Amazon.

To see all my reviews.

A  you tube video I recently favorited and wanted to share:

In Affirmations for Adult Children Author Rokelle Lerner writes:

"Today I will surround myself with people who value my own worth as well as their own. Even though others might not express their appreciations, still I know that the world was created for my sake too. What more personal assurance of my own belonging to the universe can I find than the fact that a divine power has placed me here and arrayed all the bounty and the beauty of the world here before me.

I feel appreciated today, not just for what I do, but for who I am. I acknowledge my abilities and talents, as well as the special essence that is me.

Today I leave behind the competitive "you" or "me" from the past. Each of us has a special place in the universe. Knowing this, I can appreciate my friends and colleagues for all that they do and all that they are. Another person's success or achievement does not diminish my own.

This day I am part of the wonderful exchange of appreciation that makes each person feel needed, wanted and important."

It really is true that in the end the race is only with ourselves and its totally useless to compare ourselves with any one else.  Every person heals at a different rate and though the pain is similar the individual ways we are wounded are just as unique. Our  progress through recovery really can only be measured by how we feel day to day and perhaps by the company we begin to attract and surround ourselves with, such as healthier  functioning people, like the people we meet in our ACA fellowships, our sponsors/counselors or in blogging communities and forums.

The bottom line is no matter where we are in our recovery, whether progress is fast or slow we are still moving forward.

Share your thoughts!

What a Sponsor Is

Back in March of last year, I wrote a post about sponsorship within our Adult Child community  
and listed the many types of sponsorships available to us.

In the monthly newsletter I  post link above, I also mentioned what a sponsor is: a fellow member we can connect exlusively and personally with and how benefits of sponsoring represents the third element in The Solution.

"We progress from hurting to healing to helping."

An effective sponsor:

• watches for willingness of sponsee to take action.
• knows how to protect boundaries of both sponsor and sponsee.
• learns and also works the 12 steps
• has confronted own denial and surrendering
• knows own story and can tell it with honesty and humility
• has achieved an observable level of serenity.

Adult Children of Alcoholics Usually Feel Different from Other People

But… are we different? Sometimes we react differently to situations from other people. Sometimes we procrastinate. Sometimes we get overwhelmed or even shaken up at moments in our lives. Sometimes we’re just confused about what we are thinking and feeling and feel alone.

Adult Children of Alcoholics just tend to feel different. Of course, we‘re individually different simply because we are as unique as the next person and this our unique qualities come from learning to develop our own personality.

Growth enhances one’s uniqueness and does not mean we are destined to be alone or lonely. We are individuals in our own right.  And so we are different, but just because we may feel different, it doesn’t mean we are worthless!

Here are some ways to appreciate our uniqueness:

Respect yourself as you are, worthy of happiness and achievement.

Strive to survive life's challenges, both big and small. This may just reinforce your own confidence level!

Accept yourself both in your appearance and in your actions.  Learn from mistakes and move on.

Begin a new challenge that expands your physical horizons.

Enjoy who you are.

Respect yourself for the accomplishment of surviving what life has brought your way thus far. Build upon that respect each day by seeking out the new challenges and achieving those that life presents to you. (Some of these borrowed from ehow)

I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year and one of much growth and positive change!

Gratitude!

Here we are once again at the holidays, a stressful time of year for everyone but especially for Adult Children. The holidays mean different things to different people, from overspending to overindulging in sugar or alcohol but it can also be a time for self reflection.

Thanksgiving may be over (and the leftover turkey sandwiches and soups may be almost gone) but perhaps the holidays can be the perfect time to continue being thankful and practicing gratitude.

Word has it the Universe loves when we’re thankful and only wants to give us more in turn. It’s like when we’re given a thank you card in the mail from a niece/nephew grateful for the $50.00 cash gift she/he just received for his/her birthday. It was a lot of money to shell out, but we remember when we were 16 and cash was the coolest. Knowing that the child took the time to show thanks makes us think, well maybe we’ll shell out the same amount next year because we know it makes the recipient happy.

By shifting our sights to what we are grateful for, rather than what we are unhappy about and can’t change (like the serenity prayer) may just bring us greater peace of mind during this hectic season.

Shifting perspective is often easier said than done, so I’ve listed some examples of some ways we can practice gratitude.

• ·         By writing in a gratitude journal, where every night before bed list five things we are grateful for. This can be any thing as simple as “peppermint flavored ice cream” to “my kids and family” to “this ACA group and the steps I’ve made through recovery so far.” 

• ·         Taking a walk in the newly fallen snow and appreciating the sounds around: the crunch of the snow under our boots, the cool yet crisp and clean fresh air we are breathing, the whisper like sound of snow falling.  

·     We can appreciate any activities we are part of instead of focusing on the stress these times bring: church dinners and special holiday fundraisers like gingerbread villages and pumpkin pie bake-offs. Or tree lighting ceremonies where anyone can sing along to Christmas carols.

Just shifting perspective and really taking time to savor the events of the holiday and be grateful is what the spirit of Christmas is really all about, isn’t it?

Have a peaceful holiday! 

From The Twelve Steps of Adult Children

The caterpillar is not sure it is going to be a butterfly. Each part of its death and rebirth in the cocoon must be experienced.

The story is told of a man who noticed a cocoon on a bush in his yard. As he started to remove it from the bush and throw it away, he noticed the end was opening and a butterfly was struggling to escape. In an effort to help the emerging butterfly, he took it inside and carefully cut the cocoon away with a razor blade. The butterfly feebly crawled away from the open cocoon and within a few hours, died. It needed the strength it would have gained from the struggle to free itself in order to survive in the outside world.

Nobody can do the recovery work for us, its up to us to live through pain and discovery to become stronger in the end. By working the steps, having patience and doing the work we need to do in recovery, no matter how long it takes and with understanding and realization there are set backs, we will create better lives for ourselves and we will fly. Our wings will be strong and will take us to heights we only dreamed of reaching before.We just have to trust the process.

Adult Children of Alcoholics have difficulty having fun and take themselves way too seriously.

In Janet Woititz book The Complete ACoA Sourcebook , she lists the 13 characteristics of the Adult Child. For this article I decided to put characteristics 5 & 6 (above) together.

We need to rediscover the child in us that has been repressed. In some cases we were forced to be the parent and grow up fast, so acting as a child was considered immature. We try to have fun as adults but fear we will look stupid. If that is the case, bring a child along! Children naturally know how to have fun! ACA’s take themselves way too seriously at times! This is one of the reasons for having so much difficulty in finding ways to have fun.

This is where re-learning boundaries are important. If we work a 9-5 job, when the bell rings at 5 get out at 5! Staying later will only decrease productivity. We owe it to ourselves to stay on schedule and honor rest and relaxation time.

Take a day off once in awhile to do what makes us happy and helps us to play and have fun. There is nothing wrong with that!

What we have to look forward to!

MILESTONES IN RECOVERY

• We feel comfortable with people including authority figures
• We have a strong identity and generally approve of ourselves
• We accept and use personal criticism in a positive way
• As we face our own life situations, we find we are attracted by strengths and understand the weaknesses in our relationships with other people
• we are recovering through loving and focusing on ourselves; we accept responsibility for our own thoughts and actions. We feel comfortable standing up for ourselves when it is appropriate.
• we are enjoying peace and serenity, trusting that some Higher Power is guiding our recovery
• We love people who love and take care of themselves
• we are free to feel and express our feelings even when they cause us (or others) pain
• We have a healthy self esteem
• we are developing new skills that allow us to initiate and complete ideas and projects
• we take prudent action by first considering alternative behaviors and possible consequences
• we rely more and more on our Higher Power

Recovery

Today I set the course in life.Today I will determine my own course in life. I'll get a good map and compass to show me the right direction and seek out good companionship on my way.I may look at the map of life and decide where I want to go or simply explore all the avenues that are open to me.

Solutions

I begin the search for solutions....
I am fully aware of the many problems that exist in being a child of an alcoholic.Problems surrounding relationships, having fun, control, trust and serenity are among the few that I ahve encountered. Now I am ready for solutions.

I realize there is no pat solution to my problems, but I will begin looking for answers to my many questions. To continue dwelling on my problems leaves me with little mental or spiritual healing energy. So, with full awareness of my many issues, I resolve today to begin the search for hopeful solutions.

I will being by changing my attitudes. Today I will open my mind and my heart to new ways of being. My journey to recovery has just begun, and the best is yet to come.