Control

I am learning to flow with the current of life......

I let go of my struggle to control today. I give up efforts to dominate life. I no longer feel the need to force things to happen my way. I no longer need to hold on, to control.

Just as the river has powerful currents, life, too has strong forces that pull and tug. And just as the leaf in the river survived by going with the flow, I, too will go with the flow of life.

The river flows around boulders, obstacles and obstructions, and I, too, will find my course around obstructions and frustrations in my life. I have survived the forces that would have weakened or even annihilated me, and I have sprung free and open to the beauty of life.


I have believe everything happens for a reason and there are no cooincidences. We draw whatever we think towards us. I've learned to keep my thoughts positive and lose the negative because the negative will only tie me down and hold me back from achieving my goals and dreams. There will always be bad days and I can choose how to react to those days, or let them get me down. As an Adult child, I learned to take life seriously, way too seriously.

I remember feeling proud that the adults around me thought I acted very mature for my age when I was fourteen or so. I took my career, schooling and responisbilities seriously. I had no time for friends and the silliness of highschool I was working part time to save up for my license and a car. I was dating men much older than me who had "real world" problems. I could not wait to graduate high school because I needed to be out into the real world soon. I unfortuantely dropped so many friends because their problems were so petty - wondering what outfit to wear to a party, wondering who would ask them to the prom. Looking back I realize they were living their lives, going with the flow of being young.

After several years on my own and before recovery I realized those days I missed called me back loud and clear. I became reckless and dropped a lot of my responsiblities. Now in the real world, I took this to the extreme: I called in to work last minute, I skipped assignments and fudged work I handed in. I tried to find the fun in being irresponsible. I did what I could to relive those years missed. I read somewhere during tha time that we sort of stay the same age we were when the trauma affected us most. For me, I was about seventeen. Seventeen forever, hmmm.. that's a concept! I sang with a rock and roll band and got to act silly, I got attention and made jokes on stage. From the band we were invited to a lot of parties so I think I've finally made up those lost years!

Part of growing up, becoming mature is realizing we can't control life. It can't really control us either, certainly not how we react to the things that happen to us, that's our choice. As children we really didn't have a choice what environment we grew up in. In some cases, we weren't allowed to choose our reactions. We might have heard: "You didn't see that." "NO, I'm not hungover, I just have a headache. " or " Your Dad has to lie on the floor because of his back, he did not pass out."

The great thing about being grown up is we can choose. Where we live, where we work, what we do, if we will go to meetings to help us or if we will sit back and blame our parents or feel sorry for ourselves. At different stages in my life, even over the past five years, I've chosen all the above. The best choice I ever made was to realize I had the power to break the cycle of alcoholism and abuse in my family, at least its effect in my life. Breaking a habit or cycle is never easy and I remember feeling emotional agony, confusion, depression, loss, hope, searching and finally gratitude! Yes, I was and still am grateful for all the tests I was put through because that's all life is: One big learning curve! We can control what we choose to learn from:) Oh, and learning is not always fun!