Awareness

I am renewed and refreshed in my new awareness.....

I have new awareness in my life, a lightning-borne, electrical awareness that I am free to deal with the past. I am free to come to terms with the painful fact that I grew up in an alcoholic home. As the adult child of an alchoholic, I realize that I was affected by my family in many ways. Even as an adult, I feel anxious and afraid, just as a child fears lightning.

But sometimes lightning brings a bright flash that illuminates the darkness, and we can see where we are. A lightning storm may make us feel isolated, anxious and afraid, but after the storm, we feel renewed and refreshed.

I now know that I can choose to deal with this new awareness or let it rest. After this blinding truth revealed itself, I realized I could never be the same person.

I am enlightened, exhilarated, and I am freer than ever to put the past behind me and do what needs to be done.

I think when we are brought up with such dysfunction we are in a way like plants that have been uprooted and recovery is about finding ways to ground ourselves and re-root. This can be very, very difficult to do. For example, if you don't really have a role model early on to follow, how do you know how to cope with certain events in your life, as a parent? an Employee?

How do we know what to do in the face of conflict? How do we learn how to finish what we've started?

My heart goes out to my mom, who pursued college and kept winning grants for her good grades to pursue her English teaching degree. She had such high hopes and held such promise that later got thrown away. She still gets back on the wheel and pushes ahead though she often does relapse. It seems to be a push/pull; she pushes onward and the disease pulls her back. Sometimes on bad days I get angry at her for not completing her goal and I get so afraid I am going to drop all my balls and stop moving ahead. I am aware of my faults as an Adult child. This is one: abandoning a project before its completion. Falling into a paralyzing depression is another. But by being aware I am able to set deadlines to make sure I finish my projects and I've found ways to prevent the spiral into depression such as working out 4-6 days a week and eating good foods. Simple stuff, takeing care of ourselves can make all the difference. I know my mothers alcoholism was brought on by her own depression. Its a vicious cycle and I've learned the only way to break a cycle is to see its pattern first.