When Will It Stop?

 http://www.Loveoverfear.blogspot.com

Some time ago, my alcoholic parent called me at 8:15 am.

“I’m not well.” I hear.

What? Did you have a test?! Is it your health? Please don’t tell me its cancer!!! My mind raced.

“I… I’m drunk. I’ve been drinking too much, and I can’t stop.”

Oh. Again.

“So, when did you start again?” I asked, thinking the holiday weekend had something to do with it.

“I never stopped. I’ve been drinking all along. I haven’t eaten anything.”  “Oh wait-- yesterday, I had an apple.” (This person also is diabetic.)

“I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to live like this. I can’t live like this! This is too much… Oh, I’m gonna go, you don’t need to hear this, I’m going to go now.”

Panicked thoughts of suicide flashed through my head.

“Are you going to be all right?” I asked.

“You mean am I not going to do anything stupid?” (Yeah…that.)

For decades, beginning in my teen years, I witnessed this parent threaten suicide and get checked in to the psych ward too many times to mention.

“No of course not!  I have too much to live for.”

At Bible study last night, the man in front of us, maybe early 60’s says “Today, I am one year sober.” [On that day]One year ago, I fell on my knees and asked Christ to take it away. I surrendered to the Lord that day, and have not had one drop since.”

When my pastor asked me how I was doing.  I responded with my usual “Good, how are you?”

I smiled and walked away, wanting to share so much more. Sometimes I am not about to break open my heart and share my pain with others. Why?

Because that forces me to look at the pain, too.

It takes years sometimes decades to realize our loved one's addiction is not ours to own. It's not our  fault they drink to excess, and we have to remember to take what was  despite what was said in the middle of their being drunk. And it took me years to honestly realize I was not going to become anything like my role models.

But I admit I am angry. Life is short and we’re meant to have more meaning than sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves all day long.

Alcohol is a depressant.

And, this parent is on anti-depression pills.

It makes me angry. It makes me want to judge my parent; it makes me want to scream:

WHY DO YOU STILL DO THIS?

IT’S NOT THAT YOU CAN’T STOP. IT’S THAT YOU WON’T STOP! 

And then I realize it's not my battle to face, or to fight. 

What about you? Have you had a similar experience with a parent or other loved one that is stuck in their addiction? Did you find the release when you realized that you can't change them?

An Adult Child's Job

© Tomas Stasiulaitis | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Plant seeds of expectation in your mind; cultivate thoughts that anticipate achievement. Believe in yourself as being capable of overcoming all obstacles of weaknesses. --Norman Vincent Peale


Today's affirmation adapted from  the book One Foot in Front of the Other by Tian Dayton, Ph.D.

Life is a gift and I will not devalue it with negativity.

Is this you? 
"My only job today is to have faith, to stay positive and to put one foot in front of the other. When I slip into negativity, I head down a slippery slope. I make things important  that I could just as easily release and allow to move past me. I obsess, argue with myself, and convince myself that there is something wrong in my life that needs fixing, something wrong with my relationships that makes me dissatisfied with them, or something wrong with me that  I need to hide or run from. Just for today I am going to try to live the principles of the program in all my affairs, not just in some of them. I am going to live one day at a time and surrender my resistance to change and my need to control my Higher Power. I am going to live a a clean and wholesome life and I am going to love the life I have. I am grateful for the gift of one more day for recovery."

What does it mean to be negative? Are we taking for granted this new start our recovery has brought us? Are we looking the gift horse in the mouth, as the saying goes? Are we forgetting how much it hurt, how humbling it was to get to the place we are, where we can take one day at a time?

We are supposed to want what we have. And, if we desire more (did you know 'desire' means "of God?" I just learned that the other day. Random fact.)

Anyway, are we going to continue wanting the normalcy we've been guessing at our entire lives, or are we going to allow this transition to happen and ease into 'normal.'


"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul," Emily Dickinson famously quoted. 

Hope sings to us and reminds us that we are kept warm on even the coldest loneliest and  lost days.  
There is hope that faith exists an by having faith, we have an increased sense of hope. Faith borders on knowing. And, having been in the dark for most of our lives, I'd say that's a pretty good place to be. 
Do you find it hard to have  hope?  Why?

Building on Mistakes

I accept my mistakes and let them contribute to my learning and growth...

The price I must pay for any knowledge is to discover it for myself. I must learn my own lessons- I must make my own mistakes. I must pay my own consequences. The knowledge that I gain represents me with a new challenge. I can choose to remain where I am and stagnate or I can choose to grow.

My goal is to be able to look at myself and feel good about my achievements and my mistakes. I understand the choices I have made are neither good nor bad, but wise or unwise. I can neutralize feelings of guilt and shame when I realize that past inadequacies were dependent upon my particular state of awareness at that time. When I look back at past situations with newly-acquired awareness, I wonder how I could have been so naive or unintelligent. I will treat myself kindly today as I realize that I was not as aware then as I am now.

Today I accept that my life is, to date, the best that I can accomplish. I will continue to improve as I grow in success and in wisdom.

I still can't believe I actually proclaimed once I would let everyone else make the mistakes around me, and I would promise to learn from them! That was one of the biggest mistakes I made! While I could observe others' missteps and watch the resulting consequences I actually thought I could avoid making my own mistakes! Nice try. My list of mistakes aka "learnings" is very, very long by now! And I truly am all the wiser now. Our lessons don't always have to be hard but we do have to go through that rather uncomfortable feeling of not knowing something. Nothing pertains to my own recovery as relating to the cliche "the only way out is through." Going through something, experiencing it all firsthand is the best way to learn. Experience is part of what makes us human. When I came to ACA, as every newcomer is warned many emotions arose and I went through a series of feeling embarrassed to elated as I shared with the group my struggles and triumphs. As my healing advanced, I remember sharing in other's pain, tears welling up in my own eyes as they told of their own struggles and triumphs. I've learned that it does no good to fight our emotions.

We are entitled to every one and especially as adult children, many of us grew up having to suppress our thoughts and feelings. I've learned emotions are as important as any other bodily function and to let them pass like ocean waves that swell and subside, hence the expression "waves of emotions." Emotions are the body's way of alerting us to how we feel about a certain situation and accepting and listening to them helps us choose what to do next.