When Will It Stop?

 http://www.Loveoverfear.blogspot.com

Some time ago, my alcoholic parent called me at 8:15 am.

“I’m not well.” I hear.

What? Did you have a test?! Is it your health? Please don’t tell me its cancer!!! My mind raced.

“I… I’m drunk. I’ve been drinking too much, and I can’t stop.”

Oh. Again.

“So, when did you start again?” I asked, thinking the holiday weekend had something to do with it.

“I never stopped. I’ve been drinking all along. I haven’t eaten anything.”  “Oh wait-- yesterday, I had an apple.” (This person also is diabetic.)

“I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to live like this. I can’t live like this! This is too much… Oh, I’m gonna go, you don’t need to hear this, I’m going to go now.”

Panicked thoughts of suicide flashed through my head.

“Are you going to be all right?” I asked.

“You mean am I not going to do anything stupid?” (Yeah…that.)

For decades, beginning in my teen years, I witnessed this parent threaten suicide and get checked in to the psych ward too many times to mention.

“No of course not!  I have too much to live for.”

At Bible study last night, the man in front of us, maybe early 60’s says “Today, I am one year sober.” [On that day]One year ago, I fell on my knees and asked Christ to take it away. I surrendered to the Lord that day, and have not had one drop since.”

When my pastor asked me how I was doing.  I responded with my usual “Good, how are you?”

I smiled and walked away, wanting to share so much more. Sometimes I am not about to break open my heart and share my pain with others. Why?

Because that forces me to look at the pain, too.

It takes years sometimes decades to realize our loved one's addiction is not ours to own. It's not our  fault they drink to excess, and we have to remember to take what was  despite what was said in the middle of their being drunk. And it took me years to honestly realize I was not going to become anything like my role models.

But I admit I am angry. Life is short and we’re meant to have more meaning than sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves all day long.

Alcohol is a depressant.

And, this parent is on anti-depression pills.

It makes me angry. It makes me want to judge my parent; it makes me want to scream:

WHY DO YOU STILL DO THIS?

IT’S NOT THAT YOU CAN’T STOP. IT’S THAT YOU WON’T STOP! 

And then I realize it's not my battle to face, or to fight. 

What about you? Have you had a similar experience with a parent or other loved one that is stuck in their addiction? Did you find the release when you realized that you can't change them?

Respecting the Life I've Been Given

(adapted from Tian Dayton’s One Foot in Front ofthe Other: daily affirmations for recovery)

Tian’s affirmation today  entitled “Respecting the Gift of My Life” is all about taking responsibility for ourselves, and essentially our recovery.

In this affirmation, she writes about the importance of self-care, attitudes  and whatever will help keep our moods stable and positive, to keep us heading in the right recovery direction. 

One of the promises of ACA is we learn how to re-parent ourselves. This affirmation reminds me of that principle but also to   respect our life's journey and to move forward with a balance of both responsibility, acceptance and a type of surrender. 

I will sustain and respect the life I have been given.

Recovery Brings Grace

At some point, we were  humbled enough to admit we needed help healing from our past.

Isn't step 7 where we humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings? We realized we can't heal alone and we do need help. Meeting other survivors, embracing our spirituality, praying, meditating, or journaling our way out of this messy time.

How long will it take?
It's not easy. Studies show it takes anywhere from 21-66 days to train ourselves to get into a new habit. Two months to adapt the lifestyle change that will bring about lasting change. That's not that long when you consider the wound from childhood took years, sometimes decades  to form. But, two months is a long enough period of time where we risk slipping up and sliding back into despair and whatever funky emotions we still have inside.

Two months is enough to feel hell for the time being, like training for a marathon  and having to continue running,even though we're hungry, or thirsty, or our feet hurt, or its too hot and sweaty.

This sort of endurance calls for ... grace.
Spiritual grace. God's grace is what I call on when I have to overcome something that is bigger than me. You have to wonder if the battle we choose to fight in recovery is not a human one, but  a spiritual one, and Earth is our battlefield. Earth? And our minds!
God does the work, when we humbly give our struggles up to him. In His perfect timing, He uses people and circumstances and His own soft whisper (or tear-inducing touch) to guide us. 66 days may be the human forming a habit, but even though God begins his work in us immediately, we have to wait, sometimes to see the change.

Attitude is everything.This is why humility, surrender is even more important.
We can take the time to adjust our attitude from impatience to patience and guilt and shame to forgiving ourselves.

What we think only brings us more of what we think. We are told not to think negatively, or we'll feel crappy and attract more negativity. Thinking positively, on the other hand, gives us the opportunity to adjust our attitudes to become more positive.
Thank goodness.

I embrace a new design for living.

From Step 7: 

"As we notice our defects being removed and our lives becoming less complicated, we must proceed with caution and guard against the temptation to be prideful. Sudden changes in our behavior can and do happen, but we cannot anticipate them or direct them. God initiates change when we are ready, and we cannot claim that we alone removed our character defects. When we learn to ask humbly for God's help in our lives, change becomes God's responsibility. We cannot accept the credit, but we can give thanks. When good changes begin to happen in our lives, we tend to expect similar changes in others. But our focus needs to remain on ourselves - we still have much to accomplish...

Credit:
http://stepwork.activeboard.com/t2034849/step-7-aca/

An Adult Child's Job

© Tomas Stasiulaitis | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Plant seeds of expectation in your mind; cultivate thoughts that anticipate achievement. Believe in yourself as being capable of overcoming all obstacles of weaknesses. --Norman Vincent Peale


Today's affirmation adapted from  the book One Foot in Front of the Other by Tian Dayton, Ph.D.

Life is a gift and I will not devalue it with negativity.

Is this you? 
"My only job today is to have faith, to stay positive and to put one foot in front of the other. When I slip into negativity, I head down a slippery slope. I make things important  that I could just as easily release and allow to move past me. I obsess, argue with myself, and convince myself that there is something wrong in my life that needs fixing, something wrong with my relationships that makes me dissatisfied with them, or something wrong with me that  I need to hide or run from. Just for today I am going to try to live the principles of the program in all my affairs, not just in some of them. I am going to live one day at a time and surrender my resistance to change and my need to control my Higher Power. I am going to live a a clean and wholesome life and I am going to love the life I have. I am grateful for the gift of one more day for recovery."

What does it mean to be negative? Are we taking for granted this new start our recovery has brought us? Are we looking the gift horse in the mouth, as the saying goes? Are we forgetting how much it hurt, how humbling it was to get to the place we are, where we can take one day at a time?

We are supposed to want what we have. And, if we desire more (did you know 'desire' means "of God?" I just learned that the other day. Random fact.)

Anyway, are we going to continue wanting the normalcy we've been guessing at our entire lives, or are we going to allow this transition to happen and ease into 'normal.'


"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul," Emily Dickinson famously quoted. 

Hope sings to us and reminds us that we are kept warm on even the coldest loneliest and  lost days.  
There is hope that faith exists an by having faith, we have an increased sense of hope. Faith borders on knowing. And, having been in the dark for most of our lives, I'd say that's a pretty good place to be. 
Do you find it hard to have  hope?  Why?

Independence

I declare my emotional independence from my parents...

I am coming to terms with the values and expectations that were imposed by my parents. The process of declaring my independence from my family continues on into adulthood. Today I give myself permission to emotionally separate from my family of origin.

Choosing different values and beliefs from those of my parents may cause me to feel guilty. I might need to reassure myself that I am not "letting my family down" by becoming an adult.

Deciding upon my own path is the most important task I must accomplish. If I allow guilt to stand in my way, I will have to face a life filled with resentment, suffocation and a diminished sense of my own worth.

I declare my emotional independednce from my parents today, with love and respect for them and for myself. I have the courage and wisdom to discern which valued and beliefs are useful to me and which I will no longer live by.

Letting Go

Today I let go of the things I can't control...


The concept of letting go is difficult to grasp. When my home life was chaotic, I tried everything in my power to control what I could. When my home life was rigid, I was taught that to be out of control was disastrous. To conceive of letting go of things over which I have no control sounds good but what does it mean?

To let go and let God take over doesn't mean I give up. It means I do the best I can. It means that I don't have to control the outcome of every event. Letting go is a positive act of faith. It is releasing the idea that I must carry the whole load and the whole weight of responsibility for anyone or anything.

I feel a great sense of relief in knowing that I have only to do my part, to take responsibility for my own actions. I take it easy today and relax my hold on the fine art of never giving up. Trusting and relaxed, I surrender.