Dear Younger Me, (where do I start?!)

Credit: Soldiers4Faith, Mercy Me

Lyrics: http://www.metrolyrics.com/dear-younger-me-lyrics-mercy-me.html



As an adult children of alcoholic, you may have a lot of regrets.

And, I'll be willing to bet they have much to do with how you grew up! 

Depending on where you are in life, what age you are, what stage of your recovery you're in,  you probably find it hard to forget the past.

I don't blame you.

Life stinks.

People hurt us, especially people that we love and we think love us too, we ask why, why?

I think of my family. Both parents were deeply wounded. Both decided to self-medicate (alcohol, sometimes drugs) instead of heal. In my opinion, they stalled their healing. And, as someone who has been lucky (I thank God every day) that I was able to get off the amusement park ride, and stop everything-- basically, to heal.

And I wonder if that is what happens with parents who don't heal. Maybe they have children and can't go off into the dark places to think, or to cry. I really think that healing is a life purpose. It requires time, it requires energy, and "brain pain".

It requires sailing far, far away from the shore of our comfort zone.

It is possible to do all that is necessary to fully heal-- change the negative tapes in our heads, surround ourselves with healthy people, learn self-care, and accept that our beliefs may not ever again sync up to the beliefs of our family members. That's a good thing!

In the video above, you'll see a  lot of phrases that maybe you tell yourself now or wish you could have told yourself when you were younger. But, that's just it: That's the innocence of youth! 

We learn as we go. For whatever reason, every single human is given the parents we are given, and often times we are hurt and broken down until we know better, and then we are helped, or we crushed and trapped underneath the weight of our past.

As  an adult child  of  an alcoholic, you were  dealt a bad hand.

So, what do you do to move forward?  Forgive and forget? Or, choose to focus on what we will never change, and risk staying stuck in feeling sorry for yourself? (Sorry.. that last statement is tinged with emotion because this is exactly what happened to my parent: Still drinks. Still commiserates.  In some days, it breaks my heart. On most days,  20 + years since I started on the healing journey, I'm reminded to choose better.  

Now, over to you. 

How is your healing journey coming? Can you relate to any of my words?

Much love and strength, 

Vanessa



"Even though I love this crazy life,

sometimes I wish is was a smoother ride."

- From Dear Younger Me, Mercy Me

How to Exercise Compassionate Distance

                                                     Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash

Compassionate WHAT?? 

I first heard this term over a decade ago, and it has stuck with me. I was in my early twenties, and a nurse who volunteered to teach a "self esteem" class mentioned it. I don't know if she coined the term, or if she got it from a book, but it has helped in my healing.

Here is something that I want you all to try practicing," she said to the class, "compassionate distance." 

What is Compassionate Distance? 

We looked at each other, waiting for the first person to ask what we all wanted to know. You know something? Even after she had explained it to us, I was still dumbfounded. 

For years. I'm sure there is a psychological reason why  I was unable to comprehend the term. But, then, finally it came... an "Aha" moment.

Compassionate distance is best defined as "detaching with love."

It's a way to...

Protect yourself from continuing to be victimized, while still exercising healthy boundaries, which are often blurred with adult children of alcoholics. 

Heal without constant contact with the person who harmed you, while not wishing any further harm towards them.

To take it further, compassionate distance is a place of rest. 

It's detachment without resentment, so that the victim can finally feel free.

Tian Dayton in her ACOA devotionals book One Foot in Front of the Other calls this a "phantom limb:" being haunted by what's missing, rather than just letting it go.

Simple, right? You know what they say about simple... Simple ain't easy. 

To break it down further, or at least how I understood it, compassionate distance is similar to going "non-contact" for abuse victims leaving their abusers. 

That means that you stay away for a time, cease having any physical contact so  that you can adjust and recalibrate. 

Consider this from Dr. Amy Louis Bear who describes the term as "Compassionate detachment":

So how do you protect yourself from someone who is demanding, deceitful, and blaming? What do you do with someone who has no regard for your feelings? How can you put a healthy distance between you and family members who leave you exhausted from their criticism, negativity, or constant need for attention?

The answer is to detach yourself in a way that’s compassionate, but helps to protect you from further harm. Compassionate detachment means claiming your right to defend yourself from controlling, manipulative, or abusive loved ones. It means treating them with love and respect, but not taking responsibility for their emotional immaturity and poor choices.

She goes on to say that people with empty emotional buckets cannot be filled by us and that we can stop making choices according to how others might react. 

We can be ourselves, and still love, while exercising healthy boundaries. Compassionate distance, or compassionate detachment--whatever you wish to call it--is just that, a (healthy) boundary. 

Have you had experience practicing compassionate distance? How do you think compassionate distance is a faster way to emotional freedom / sobriety instead of choosing to resent the person who hurt you?

Sending you strength, love and JOY on the journey, 

Vanessa 

Reference: 

How to Protect Yourself in a Difficult Relationship | Psychology Today

The Simple Truth: Denial Wins

Photo credit: Dreamstime.com

(Today's post is adapted from One Foot in Front of the Other: Daily Affirmations for Recovery by Tian Dayton, Ph.D.)

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.
--Hans Hoffman

Life is a journey, a ride, an adventure.
Recovery then, is more like we get off the ride.
It's the time we take to stop, ground ourselves and learn. To heal. And, recover.
The fun has to stop before it starts again.

Can you remember the day your eyes were opened, the wool was removed and you were made painfully aware of what happened as you were growing up? 


I was seventeen. Hopeful yet jaded, and the "family problems" as I referred to them finally landed me in my school guidance counselors office, skipping the last few classes of the day.

My counselor said to me:

Have you considered the fact your (parent) might be an alcoholic?

I had, I just didn't think it would happen in my family.

I told her this and she told me I may have been in denial, but its time to face the truth.

She asked me some other symptoms and numbness settling in, I answered yes to each one.

"Does your parent drink in the morning?" Yes.
"Does your parent have trouble focusing when not drinking?" Yes.
"Does your parent spend more money on alcohol?" Yes.

I arrived early to the childcare center where I worked after school each day,  parked my car and sat on the wooden bench overlooking the parking lot.

It was an early Spring day, crocuses were peeking their pretty purple and white petals through the patches of remaining snow.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, bracing myself against a cool breeze. Reality bites, I thought, a wellspring of emotions swirling in my gut: anger, shock, sadness, acceptance.

The thing about truth is we often work harder to suppress it. Ever try to hide a beach ball underwater? it's nearly impossible. You exhaust all your effort in pushing it down. It's so perfectly round, and colorful and full of air, and it only wants to float. To be seen. Finally, you can't sustain the constraint anymore. You need to go get a drink, or pee or rest your arms. So, you let it go. It bounces high into the sunlight with a freedom that only something that was once constrained could.

This is how I feel about truth I discovered only a few hours before. A truth I knew, deep in my soul but tried so hard to hold it down, keep it hidden in its dark depths.

The thing with truth is you know it, you want to hide it, to deny it. But, if you let it go, it will always float.

But the beach ball is colorful. Wide parallel stripes of blue, red, orange, yellow, white. It signifies fun, vacation, sport, sunshine. It's a cheap plastic that can be bought at any pool store (or convenience store in summer) A harmless piece of plastic made in China.
All it requires is two minutes of hot air to  become this buoyant, round monster that cannot be held underwater.

It can only be defeated by being deflated.
But, is deflating the same as denying? Is it another coping strategy? Just one more attempt to hide the truth?

How do we deflate the truth?

What does home mean to you?

I embrace a community of recovering people. 


Do  adult children of alcoholics ever truly heal? If so, when? 

A 14-year recovery journey started with  healing from years of abusive relationships. As it turned out these were a by-product of growing up in a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic parent.

In more than 14 years, this parent has stopped and returned to drinking more than I change sneakers. Spiritual maturity helped me to accept this person and learn to love the good parts of the addict. We established a mutually-respectful and close relationship.(Do I dare to call it a friendship?)

Years of healing and moving on and yet, it still hurts.

This past summer I grew even deeper in my spirituality. I  accepted Christ as my savior (a truth that resonated with me, please understand I respect other beliefs or religions).  Life has improved. Burdens no longer fall on me. I have felt more joy than ever, the truth about who I am in this life--an child of an alcoholic--seeping into everything I do.

Abuse stops defining us the day we choose to remove that label. Like ripping a piece of band-aid off, it stings to admit and it soothes to announce we've healed. IF we've healed. When is the healing journey complete? When we decide when the time is right to remove it. Something stirs in the soul that shouts:

  I'm ready now. Thank you.

It is the same I imagine for those of us who got messed up with drugs, promiscuity, cutting, manipulating or other self-destructive behaviors and healed from these.

So...
how long does the label "adult child of an alcoholic" define us?
For as long as we choose to identify with it. 

How long do we choose to identify with it?
For as long  as we need to, until we are healed. Until that voice says "I'm ready." 


I may be nearing 40 years and growing in God's wisdom, truth and love, and in all seriousness and truth,  life is good. Great, actually. BUT---  these scab wounds feel as fresh as the day I uncovered them. They sting in the cold air.

There are many adult children today who STILL fight the effects of family dysfunction, instability and discord. Recovery is two steps forward and three steps back. When I exited the doors of my local ACA group, my two year coin in my pocket, I thought I was done. Finished! Healed. Thank you. But, if I am like a plant who never took root in a dry soil.  I am returning for water, for sunlight, and to my favorite garden, which is my ACA home.  I step through these doors and choose an empty seat around the table. I'll take off my coat and hang it over the back of my chair. I plan to stay awhile.

To say, "Hello, my name is.... again."

Life is cyclical, sometimes. Is recovery?

One thing that is true for me (I have discovered a  lot of truths) is  ACA will always feel like home for me. But, does the invitation home mean we have to be hurting again to accept it? Is hurt a prerequisite for healing? Well, yeah.

Maybe that's exactly how it works.

Would you please put on a pot of coffee?




"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.May you not forget the infinite possibilities that you are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.It is there for each and every one of us."
St, Theresa's Prayer.