Love Over Fear: blog for Adult Children of Alcoholics

Book Review-Great informative book for ACoA's

2011-02-02T06:25:00.000-08:00

"ACoA's are truly our own breed" Book Review (orginally published October 29, 2008) but several people are finding it to be useful, so I thought I'd share it with new readers and anyone that will be able to benefit.

This review is about: The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love (Paperback)

Adult Children of Alcoholics are the same as we are at home, at work and in love.

We are a breed of our own with many stumbles along the road to reality. I often wondered why I could start so many projects and yet abandon them long before completion, and why I never understood what normal was, taking myself and life too seriously and struggling to find appropriate levels of intimacy in all of my relationships.

Author Janet Woititz leaves no stone unturned, no symptom or characteristic of an Adult Child unexamined.

The book is divided into three parts based on its subtitle: How ACoA's function at home, at work and in love. Each part begins with a personal message from the author as if she takes the reader by the hand to offer validation and to lead us bravely through to the next section.

There is even a chapter called "So You Love an ACoA" for those of us whose partners still totally don't understand what we survived.

Regarding the ACoA at work, Woititz discusses our tendency towards workaholism, burnout and the subtle sabotage we may create in our jobs. A variety of professions are disected: medical student, priest, foreman, counselor, supervisor, caregiver or any employee according to how the profession relates to the ACoA, what we need to look out for and how what we've been through grants us the knowledge of how to succeed in our chosen professions. The tail end of the book even features valuable guidance for Employee Assistance programs.

This book is filled with several "Aha!" moments for me (especially Chapter 2 "What Happened to You as a Child?" and Chapter 3, "Breaking the Cycle.")

I recommend its timeless information to any adult who grew up with an alcoholic parent or any form of dysfunction. Comments?

Interested? You can order the book on Amazon.

To see all my reviews.

A you tube video I recently favorited and wanted to share:

2010-05-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

In Affirmations for Adult Children Author Rokelle Lerner writes:

"Today I will surround myself with people who value my own worth as well as their own. Even though others might not express their appreciations, still I know that the world was created for my sake too. What more personal assurance of my own belonging to the universe can I find than the fact that a divine power has placed me here and arrayed all the bounty and the beauty of the world here before me.

I feel appreciated today, not just for what I do, but for who I am. I acknowledge my abilities and talents, as well as the special essence that is me.

Today I leave behind the competitive "you" or "me" from the past. Each of us has a special place in the universe. Knowing this, I can appreciate my friends and colleagues for all that they do and all that they are. Another person's success or achievement does not diminish my own.

This day I am part of the wonderful exchange of appreciation that makes each person feel needed, wanted and important."

It really is true that in the end the race is only with ourselves and its totally useless to compare ourselves with any one else. Every person heals at a different rate and though the pain is similar the individual ways we are wounded are just as unique. Our progress through recovery really can only be measured by how we feel day to day and perhaps by the company we begin to attract and surround ourselves with, such as healthier functioning people, like the people we meet in our ACA fellowships, our sponsors/counselors or in blogging communities and forums.

The bottom line is no matter where we are in our recovery, whether progress is fast or slow we are still moving forward.

Share your thoughts!

What a Sponsor Is

2010-02-17T07:52:00.000-08:00

Back in March of last year, I wrote a post about sponsorship within our Adult Child community
and listed the many types of sponsorships available to us.

In the monthly newsletter I post link above, I also mentioned what a sponsor is: a fellow member we can connect exlusively and personally with and how benefits of sponsoring represents the third element in The Solution.

"We progress from hurting to healing to helping."

An effective sponsor:

watches for willingness of sponsee to take action.
knows how to protect boundaries of both sponsor and sponsee.
learns and also works the 12 steps
has confronted own denial and surrendering
knows own story and can tell it with honesty and humility
has achieved an observable level of serenity.

Adult Children of Alcoholics Usually Feel Different from Other People

2010-01-06T06:11:00.000-08:00

But… are we different? Sometimes we react differently to situations from other people. Sometimes we procrastinate. Sometimes we get overwhelmed or even shaken up at moments in our lives. Sometimes we’re just confused about what we are thinking and feeling and feel alone.

Adult Children of Alcoholics just tend to feel different. Of course, we‘re individually different simply because we are as unique as the next person and this our unique qualities come from learning to develop our own personality.

Growth enhances one’s uniqueness and does not mean we are destined to be alone or lonely. We are individuals in our own right. And so we are different, but just because we may feel different, it doesn’t mean we are worthless!

Here are some ways to appreciate our uniqueness:

Respect yourself as you are, worthy of happiness and achievement.

Strive to survive life's challenges, both big and small. This may just reinforce your own confidence level!

Accept yourself both in your appearance and in your actions. Learn from mistakes and move on.

Begin a new challenge that expands your physical horizons.

Enjoy who you are.

Respect yourself for the accomplishment of surviving what life has brought your way thus far. Build upon that respect each day by seeking out the new challenges and achieving those that life presents to you. (Some of these borrowed from ehow)

I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year and one of much growth and positive change!

Gratitude!

2009-12-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

Here we are once again at the holidays, a stressful time of year for everyone but especially for Adult Children. The holidays mean different things to different people, from overspending to overindulging in sugar or alcohol but it can also be a time for self reflection.

Thanksgiving may be over (and the leftover turkey sandwiches and soups may be almost gone) but perhaps the holidays can be the perfect time to continue being thankful and practicing gratitude.

Word has it the Universe loves when we’re thankful and only wants to give us more in turn. It’s like when we’re given a thank you card in the mail from a niece/nephew grateful for the $50.00 cash gift she/he just received for his/her birthday. It was a lot of money to shell out, but we remember when we were 16 and cash was the coolest. Knowing that the child took the time to show thanks makes us think, well maybe we’ll shell out the same amount next year because we know it makes the recipient happy.

By shifting our sights to what we are grateful for, rather than what we are unhappy about and can’t change (like the serenity prayer) may just bring us greater peace of mind during this hectic season.

Shifting perspective is often easier said than done, so I’ve listed some examples of some ways we can practice gratitude.

· By writing in a gratitude journal, where every night before bed list five things we are grateful for. This can be any thing as simple as “peppermint flavored ice cream” to “my kids and family” to “this ACA group and the steps I’ve made through recovery so far.”

· Taking a walk in the newly fallen snow and appreciating the sounds around: the crunch of the snow under our boots, the cool yet crisp and clean fresh air we are breathing, the whisper like sound of snow falling.

· We can appreciate any activities we are part of instead of focusing on the stress these times bring: church dinners and special holiday fundraisers like gingerbread villages and pumpkin pie bake-offs. Or tree lighting ceremonies where anyone can sing along to Christmas carols.

Just shifting perspective and really taking time to savor the events of the holiday and be grateful is what the spirit of Christmas is really all about, isn’t it?

Have a peaceful holiday!

From The Twelve Steps of Adult Children

2009-10-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

The caterpillar is not sure it is going to be a butterfly. Each part of its death and rebirth in the cocoon must be experienced.

The story is told of a man who noticed a cocoon on a bush in his yard. As he started to remove it from the bush and throw it away, he noticed the end was opening and a butterfly was struggling to escape. In an effort to help the emerging butterfly, he took it inside and carefully cut the cocoon away with a razor blade. The butterfly feebly crawled away from the open cocoon and within a few hours, died. It needed the strength it would have gained from the struggle to free itself in order to survive in the outside world.

Nobody can do the recovery work for us, its up to us to live through pain and discovery to become stronger in the end. By working the steps, having patience and doing the work we need to do in recovery, no matter how long it takes and with understanding and realization there are set backs, we will create better lives for ourselves and we will fly. Our wings will be strong and will take us to heights we only dreamed of reaching before.We just have to trust the process.

Adult Children of Alcoholics have difficulty having fun and take themselves way too seriously.

2009-10-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

In Janet Woititz book The Complete ACoA Sourcebook , she lists the 13 characteristics of the Adult Child. For this article I decided to put characteristics 5 & 6 (above) together.

We need to rediscover the child in us that has been repressed. In some cases we were forced to be the parent and grow up fast, so acting as a child was considered immature. We try to have fun as adults but fear we will look stupid. If that is the case, bring a child along! Children naturally know how to have fun! ACA’s take themselves way too seriously at times! This is one of the reasons for having so much difficulty in finding ways to have fun.

This is where re-learning boundaries are important. If we work a 9-5 job, when the bell rings at 5 get out at 5! Staying later will only decrease productivity. We owe it to ourselves to stay on schedule and honor rest and relaxation time.

Take a day off once in awhile to do what makes us happy and helps us to play and have fun. There is nothing wrong with that!

What we have to look forward to!

2009-10-06T05:53:00.001-07:00

MILESTONES IN RECOVERY

We feel comfortable with people including authority figures
We have a strong identity and generally approve of ourselves
We accept and use personal criticism in a positive way
As we face our own life situations, we find we are attracted by strengths and understand the weaknesses in our relationships with other people
we are recovering through loving and focusing on ourselves; we accept responsibility for our own thoughts and actions. We feel comfortable standing up for ourselves when it is appropriate.
we are enjoying peace and serenity, trusting that some Higher Power is guiding our recovery
We love people who love and take care of themselves
we are free to feel and express our feelings even when they cause us (or others) pain
We have a healthy self esteem
we are developing new skills that allow us to initiate and complete ideas and projects
we take prudent action by first considering alternative behaviors and possible consequences
we rely more and more on our Higher Power

Recovery

2009-09-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

Today I set the course in life.Today I will determine my own course in life. I'll get a good map and compass to show me the right direction and seek out good companionship on my way.I may look at the map of life and decide where I want to go or simply explore all the avenues that are open to me.

Solutions

2009-09-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

I begin the search for solutions....
I am fully aware of the many problems that exist in being a child of an alcoholic.Problems surrounding relationships, having fun, control, trust and serenity are among the few that I ahve encountered. Now I am ready for solutions.

I realize there is no pat solution to my problems, but I will begin looking for answers to my many questions. To continue dwelling on my problems leaves me with little mental or spiritual healing energy. So, with full awareness of my many issues, I resolve today to begin the search for hopeful solutions.

I will being by changing my attitudes. Today I will open my mind and my heart to new ways of being. My journey to recovery has just begun, and the best is yet to come.

Control

2009-09-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

I will decide which areas I can control and which areas I cannot...

I must remember that life is not a constant problem to be solved. Life is a mystery to be faced. I now understand why I had to keep a tight rein of control on my feelings as a child. I know why I had to believe that I could exert some control over my alcoholics family. I have accepted many unrealistic messages about what I can and cannot do.

Today I will look for opportunities to let go of control, and I will go slowly and be protective of my self. I will look for supportive and safe opportunities where I can experiment with how it feels to "let go."

Today I release my tight grip on life.... and Live.

Relationships

2009-09-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

I no longer wish to manage others' impressions...

I will cultivate self-observations, and I will see how I interact with others. Today I will set about learning how I can have satisfactory relationships-- relationships that please me. In order to do that, I will observe myself in my dealings with people.

Today I will stop trying to manage the impressions people have of me. If I have "acted" my way through life, today I will start living. People will develop whatever opinions they have of me. I will stop trying to constantly make "good" impressions. I will stop trying to impress people in order to appear more worthwhile in their eyes.

I am developing a high degree of honesty and self-observation as I strive to change.

My take on this affirmation is maybe we are so used to seeking control in our out of control homes that we would rather try to control what others think of us. We're used to being shot down so maybe subconsciously we look to be . Our compulsion to people please leaves us vulnerable to dysfunctional relationships. We are so worried about acting as others expect us to act we forget to be ourselves. We must remember we can't please everyone at the same time, its impossible. Also, we are not being honest with ourselves if we don't allow ourselves the freedom to be who we are, regardless of what others think.

Reminder of the Promises

2009-09-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

Once in awhile I like to post a relevant video off you tube or somewhere. This one reviews the promises we get when when coming to Adult Children of Alcoholics or AL Anon. It has been coming up to three years since I first came home to ACA and I can say as we work the program, all of these promises are true.

HAVE FAITH, work the steps, believe your life will get better and it will.

Self Expression

2009-09-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

I give myself permission to feel wonderful...
Right now I grant myself permission to feel happier, stronger, and freer than I've ever felt before . There is no one else who can give me permission to feel good. I do not need to turn to family, friends or acquaintances for approval of my well-being. All the approval I need exists within me.

Today I am ready and willing to enter into experiences and activities that will bring about my happiness. Now longer will I deprive myself of opportunities to feel good. I resolve not to let old belief patterns marshall arguments against what I am striving to do.

Today there are no critical parents in my consciousness. I have a green light to explore all the joy that I deserve to have. My permission is granted.

Self-acceptance

2009-09-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am a lovable and capable person...
IN my family of origin, negative comparisons, accusations and blame were common. As I grew older, I may have taken with me a lot of self-blame.

I will no longer deal in self-contempt. I will turn down negative comparisons between myself and others. Shame is no longer a part of my identity.

Thoughts of my being defective or not quite good enough are being released from my consciousness at this moment. I am a lovable and capable person, and I will not reject my self.
I am not paralyzed by awareness of my limitations and mistakes; rather I recognize myself as part of humanity that is whole and worthwhile. Through my course of my recovery, I can recognize my shame without becoming wrapped in it.

I am learning to affirm myself from within.

Relationships

2009-09-01T06:26:00.000-07:00

I surround myself with people who respect me and treat me well.

I no longer need to maintain abusive relationships. As I continue to grow and heal, I attract those people who love me for who I am.

I have no need to hide myself. I have no need to deny my feelings, or to disguise my thoughts and beliefs. I will no longer tolerate people who put me down, manipulate me or humiliate me. I am surrounding myself with people who are consistently loving and respectful.

Today I will pursue people with whom I can share myself in totality, with the complete confidence they are accepting me for myself alone.

Today I have the courage to terminate relationships with people who are overly critical or not accepting of me. My world is populated with self respecting people who radiate caring respect and consideration back to me.

Inner Strength

2009-08-24T07:12:00.000-07:00

I will feel strength within....

Today I will be totally aware of m own dwelling- my home. This is my safety, my anchor, my haven. I will not feel trapped- I will feel freedom to move, to be, to create. I surround myhome with acceptance and peace.

The uncertainty, anger, inconsistency and chaosin my alchoholic family made me feel trapped and anxious. My home today will surround me with gentleness, strength and freedom to be who I want to be.

I will no longer be bound in negative energy. I will change the atmospheresurrounding me by my attitude adn my energy. I will give myself a physical place to be safe--my home, my anchor.

Appreciation (Affirmation)

2009-08-11T06:31:00.000-07:00

I show my appreciation to others as I fully appreciate myself...

Everyone I know needs to be appreciated, even as I need it from all who I know.To be able to praise and appreciate are spiritual qualities that need to be nourished by correct thinking about others.

Alcoholic families are expert at finding errors, blunders, and stupidity in all its members. This kind of depreciation reduces all love and joy to almost nothing.Gradually, through recovery, I am learning to think well of myself, of my loved ones and my friends.

Today I will think of the people I appreciate and say so. These people are lights along my pathway. Their faith in me increases my faith in myself. At this moment, I will think of myself in the finest terms. I appreciate those who have helped me along the way.

from Rokelle Lerner's book Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics

Love Over Fear newsletter

2009-08-07T06:47:00.001-07:00

For over a year I have been writing for Love Over fear newsletter that is distributed once a month to the local ACA group I once found home. Since the information presented in the newsletter is beneficial to the ACA community , I decided to post those articles here from now on. This way we can invite comments on the topics discussed.

ACA’s judge themselves without mercy
As children we internalized negative self- feelings because we were never good enough for our parents. Sometimes we were criticized for things that made absolutely no sense. Sometimes we’d feel our family would be better off without us. Those early feelings may have conditioned us to believe that we are never good enough. We judge ourselves and others negatively and come out short every time (though we don’t judge others near as harshly as ourselves.)

For example, when we are caught in traffic and arrive fifteen minutes late to a work meeting with an angry boss staring back at us we might take this to heart despite having left the house on time and acknowledging the traffic jam was not our fault. Another example is not being able to accept a compliment and always finding fault with whatever someone has said. We expect a lot of ourselves but never seem to measure up.

So, how can we silence the “shoulds,” and help ourselves to feel OK just as we are?
Janet Geringer Woititz,Ed.D. author of The Complete ACoA Sourcebook helped me out on this one:
Our inclination is to automatically find fault in ourselves (and others) so the solution is to try to be more objective. Take a step back and see what about the situation is causing us to judge. If it’s a partner's behavior, then what can we do about it? Why does it bother us?

Sometimes our judgments come from seeing something in someone else we don’t like about ourselves. Their flaw is mirrored in front of us and as we grow uncomfortable, our inclination is to think negatively and to judge. By being aware and trying to be objective we can change our natural inclination. We can be less judgmental and more understanding, maybe even forgiving of our judgments of ourselves and others and pave the way for more positivity and less self-inflicted pressure in our lives.

Harmony-An affirmation

2009-08-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

My inner and outer vision are clear--confusion is gone...

The bright dawning of this day burns away the mist of confusion. My recovery brings a lifting of the fog that has kept me uncertain of my thoughts, my feelings and needs. Confusion is the cloak worn by alcoholic family members.

Today in my mind's eye, I remove the cloak and leave uncertainty behind. I can be absolutely sure about my needs and trust my feelings to help me know. As confusion lifts, I walk forward with assurance and confidence. My vision is no longer clouded, so I need not walk on false hopes or broken promises. Obstacles are not put in my way to threaten me.

Rather, my vision is bright, the path before me is lit, I see the way clearly and I walk in it. With a new-found clarity, I go in peace and confidence.

Time to give in?

2009-07-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

"Never give up, never, never give up." Winston Churchill

I called to speak to my father a few days ago. He's in ailing health and the latest surgery he had resulted in complications. He was still in bed when I called, so I spoke to his wife instead.

I've always felt it an eerie coincidence that when my Dad met her, she was employed as a drug and alcohol counselor and I am certain the wedge may have been drawn further between my mother and I because I used to seek the new wife's advice, while I was a senior in high school and the divorce wound was still fresh and stinging my mother daily. I told my father's wife in so many words that for the first time in my life I may have just given up on my mother becoming sober ever again.
She said never give up, and that's all well and good everything inside of me screams to.

There is a part of me that really truly believes my mother may have just reached the point of no return. Every damage in her life is another reason to take a drink and she's been in and out of the hospital for acute appendicitis, cured, released and in and out of rehab, "cured" and released. I wonder...

As I mentioned in previous posts she once graduated to being a "functioning alcoholic," holding down a full time job, a house in the Hamptons and an active social life. I at least gave her some credit for having a life or at least successfully creating the illusion of one but now she has let that place, that beautiful home rot (yes, it bothers me, because I know personally how proud she was of that home, her own home, her own chance of serenity?!)

I feel for her, I love her and I wish her the best but I can no longer stand being in her company or trying to rely on her- her behavior is so erratic and unpredictable its just one more stress I have to deal with. I'm already caring for my grandparents several days a week (one has Alzheimer's, one has bone and lung cancer) and I balance my own business hustling outside of the home while trying to make money freelance writing with preparing presentations and growing my project trying to be a good, caring wife and hard working band member, plus I do a lot of volunteer work. We are in trying economic times and just like everyone else I've got a lot on my plate.

Its frustrating for me to see my mother doing nothing but sit and feel sorry for herself and drink. She's escaping life, I am facing it head on. Is giving up on her escaping in a way or is that justified?I could use some help on this. I'm just trying not to think of her. Its depressing and I've fought for a long time trying to accept the fact she is gone from my life for now, silent and content in her own private corner of the world.

Forgiveness?!?

2009-07-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

Today's affirmation: I will forgive today and I will be free.....

Today I will forgive all those people I resent and move on to a new freedom. My resentment inhibits my energy and blocks my spirit. The rage that seethes within me affects my physical well-being.

Today I concentrate on forgiveness. I do not let my rage and resentment flood out of control. I will not be blinded by emotional intensity and separate from my true strengths.

Today I will release all rage and resentment and regain my spirit by forgiving all these people I resent. I will no longer carry excess baggage on my journey through recovery.

Today's affirmation reminds me of step 8: "made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." and

step 9: "made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

When I first learned of these steps I believed this this only applied to the alcoholic. As Adult Children, I think we should forgive ourselves for putting up with the dysfunction as we did. If we grew up in parental dysfunction the abuse and alcoholism was not our fault and we didn't have the choice to get out of that toxic environment. We can forgive those who have harmed us if we choose to at least release any held grudges and bad feelings but we don't have to! There are people in our lives who we perhaps decided to dump our baggage or take our rage out on.

I'm the type to hold in my rage and let it depress me, or at least that's how I used to be. So I owed the most forgiveness to myself but I did say hurtful words to my mother before and during my recovery. I've come to realize I will always be resentful that she was not the role mother a woman/girl needs but I did eventually come to forgive her, maybe because I was fortunate enough to find a surrogate mother/friend/mentor/guide that helped me find the straight path.

I do believe forgiveness is an option not an obligation so if we choose to forgive someone or ourselves we are freed and have found another way to release our negative feelings of the past.

What are your thoughts and experiences on forgiveness?

Have you reached that stage of forgiving either yourself or your parent(s)? Or do you flat out refuse to forgive, because they don't deserve it or some other reason?

Decisions

2009-07-19T08:07:00.000-07:00

I am comfortable with my decisions...

I will concentrate on my thinking powers today, and I will be comfortable with my decisions. I accept myself and feel worthwhile. My self-acceptance and self-worth do not depend on the opinions of others. I make my own sense of self, and I do so in full knowledge that I am a worthwhile person and that I have the ability to think and make good decisions.

I do not ask what anyone thinks. Instead I talk to myself, and I say:"what do I think? What do I want?" When I seek the advice of another, I do so with the knowledge i am the one who make the final decisions. If I try to please everyone, I end up pleasing no one at all, not even myself.
Today I will be conscious of all the little decisions I make, and I will accept all my decisions as right. I will be comfortable in my decisions, knowing that I am doing the best I can.

Positive Outlook

2009-07-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

I will have a positive outlook on life today...

"I will have a positive outlook on life today, an attitude that will allow me to experience joy and move me on a path of acceptance, love and freedom. I have the power to change the way I think. I can choose to change my attitudes, and this is what gives me freedom.

Freedom got lost in my alcoholic family. For too long I remained stuck with negative thinking and hopelessness.

Today in recovery I see that attitudes can change my thought patterns and lead me on a positive journey. My attitudes are not fixed forever; I can change them as I move through each day.

The attitudes I choose can determine my sickness of health. They can inspire hope, they can produce despair.

Today I will change all unhealthy thinking to be healthy. I will experience the joy of the moment by my new thinking."

My mother is the alcoholic and since my very early days I have witnessed her transitions from casual drinking to

swallowing anxiety pills and a cold beer at seven am to

perusing the bars till close on weeknights to

quitting and attending rehab to

drinking full time and holding down an office job and a house in the Hamptons to

where she is now: fully dysfunctional: can't work, sleeps a lot, falls into despair and really just cannot function without a drink. The house in the Hamptons what she considers her last chance to be proud of was abandoned, neglected and now rots from water damage.

About a week ago my aunt said to me, " I think someone should stage an intervention with your mom,"to which I responded, "I tried that when I was seventeen!" That was more than a decade ago. I believe intervention is not the answer for her anymore and any thoughts of staging one are just a waste. Intervention more or less forces the person to admit they have a problem and coaxes them to do something about it. As listed above, she's been down that route and back again. She tried it and she does not want to stop. As much as it has pained me to admit, I think she is in it for the long haul. She's past the tipping point and this is all she knows. For her sake I hope I am wrong but I have also learned to brutally realistic. And for that alone could warrant my own despair.

I am choosing not to live in despair. Instead I am choosing to live a fulfilling life, going after ambitions, surrounding myself with healthy people and staying physically healthy. I have boundaries and it is good to see I am a separate human from my mother and I have nothing to do with her choices. Often children of Alcoholics take the blame for their parents drinking. Its not easy to separate myself from someone I care so deeply about,but I've learned to practice something called compassionate distance:loving someone from afar.

I am also reminding myself to be more positive, starting with one day at a time. Are there others on the same boat? I've included an article on how to be more positive, but I'd love to hear other thoughts.

Disappointments

2009-07-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

Day by Day I am changing...

Today I will turn all my present disappointments into new meaning for myself. The more I venture out and take risks in business, or with male/female relationships, new hobbies, new ideas-- the less fearful I become in my blocks in my road to recovery. These block can be turned around. I can turn all disappointments into thankful learning experiences. I will also trust my Higher Power will guide me through difficult obstacles and lead me on the right road.

In my alcoholic family, I suffered many disappointments. Now, in my recovery, I see that disappointments can teach me to be thoughtful and can spur me to persevere with my plans and projects.

I will not let obstacles set me back on my journey to recovery. Recognizing my power filled being, I depend only upon myself to change. And I do, day by day.

Inner Voice

2009-07-11T07:45:00.000-07:00

Today I will listen to my inner voice and be guided in the right direction...

My inner voice has all the answers loud and strong. Today I will listen to that wise part of my being that so often attempts to guide me. Something the is voice is firm, sometimes its soft, sometimes is just laughs about my interactions and my decisions.

I trust my inner words, guided by my spiritual nature, will continually lead me on the right path. Even during times when I'm not inclined to listen my inner voice continues to send helpful messages.

Today I will listen to my inner voice and I'll be led in the right direction.
Living in an alcoholic family has often been chaotic, scary and confusing. My inner voice usually prodded me along-yet I so often chose opposite actions from what my wise part knew.

Listening to myself can guide me to serenity. Deep down inside, I know that peace exists.

Rejuvenation

2009-07-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

I will find new opportunities today...
I will view all new situations as occasions for a richer life. I will value all people I come in contact with as teachers giving lessons in survival, speaking volumes in smiles and postures, carrying whole histories in the creases of cupped hands.

I will explore my world- the sight and sound, the taste and smell and fabric of life--dazzling details missed when I mope from day to day in a sage and sterile routing.

Today I shed fears and insecurity and sharpen my senses. I send the freshness of the world, nad I undergo rejuvenation. I take off my blinders of habit and emotional constriction. I expand my vision with truth; the more open I am, the freer I become; the more honest I am the more solid my recovery. The more aware I am, the richer my responses to life.

Today I trust and delight in my capacity for rejuvenation, and I shake off the fears and doubts that would drag me down. I will burst the confines of habit and stale routing and enter and arena alive with variety and joy in rejuvenation.

Independence

2009-07-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

I declare my emotional independence from my parents...

I am coming to terms with the values and expectations that were imposed by my parents. The process of declaring my independence from my family continues on into adulthood. Today I give myself permission to emotionally separate from my family of origin.

Choosing different values and beliefs from those of my parents may cause me to feel guilty. I might need to reassure myself that I am not "letting my family down" by becoming an adult.

Deciding upon my own path is the most important task I must accomplish. If I allow guilt to stand in my way, I will have to face a life filled with resentment, suffocation and a diminished sense of my own worth.

I declare my emotional independednce from my parents today, with love and respect for them and for myself. I have the courage and wisdom to discern which valued and beliefs are useful to me and which I will no longer live by.

Curiosity & Creativity

2009-06-30T07:09:00.000-07:00

I celebrate all of my senses today...

Thoreau once said, " Only that day dawns to which we are awake." Each day comes and goes. The beauty of life is lost when I wander though moments Unconsciously. I will delight in fully experiencing this day by wakening my senses.

To do this, I need to give my inner child permission to come out of hiding. What gave me pleasure as a small child? Swinging high on a swing? bouncing playfully on a seesaw? biting into the sweetness of a birthday cupcake?

Playing with bubbles in a soapy bath?

What great loss it is when I fail to enjoy all my senses. I will remember that my ability to recapture is there for the taking. The curiosity and creativity I possessed as a child is still inside of me.

Today I will allow myself to pursue activities which will awaken my senses. Whether dancing, writing, playing or listening, I celebrate the creative wonderful parts that I possess.

Change for the better

2009-06-24T06:32:00.000-07:00

Right now my life is changing for the better....

New and inviting ways are opening for me each day. I have no limitations, for I am mightier than circumstances.

I don't have to depend upon others for my fulfillment, for I have the will , the vitality and strength to push away the old patterns that bind me. The world is mine to become whatever I want within it. I do not fret about my future, because I have the power to change. I will choose what I want to happen and let it unfold with trust and love.

Today I know that I am in control and that I can confidently change my life in order to find fulfillment.

Feelings

2009-06-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

I can express my feelings in a direct way......

I will not harm people by telling them what I feel. By communicating feelings directly, I am respecting myself by owning my own power.
In my alcoholic family, I learned to communicate my feelings indirectly. Feelings were forbidden and hidden-- they had to be guessed at, and deducted from clues in behavior.
This indirect style no longer works for me. I don't want to play gamed with people where my feelings are concerned. I don't want to leave a trail of clues for others to use in solving the mystery of my emotional life.
Today I will communicate in a healthy and direct manner. I make a conscious decision to make my feelings knowing in a direct and appropriate way.

Patience

2009-05-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

I take great patience with my recovery....

Its all right to feel whatever I am feeling right now. I don't have to feel perfect every day.

Often in recovery, I have wondered why I don't feel good immediately. If I am working on my issues, it seems like everything should just fall into place.

I understand there is no cure or fix for being human, and changing emotions is part of the process of normal living.

Today I possess the patience and the wisdom to start from where I am and move forward. I appreciate myself and my emotions.

Recovery Journey

2009-05-04T05:52:00.000-07:00

Today I reaffirm my commitment to recovery...

Today I commit myself to my most important project--My recovery. My recovery, this wonderful broadening of potential deserves my devotion, my time and my energy.

I give full attention to my recovery journey today. My senses are clear and my self esteem is enhanced as I honor who I am today. Nothing can sway me from discovering myself. My fear dissolves as I lovingly and honestly look at my present, my past and my Self.

Today I am renewed in this exploration of me called Recovery. And if I find the exploration an arduous one I know that the struggle will bring a new and gratifying vision of myself.

Acceptance

2009-04-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

I am aware of total self-acceptance...

Each day gives me a new opportunity to express the perfection which is within me. With this realization in mind, I bless every individual that I encounter.

I now release old negative images and refuse to give them any power. They are burdensome and have no place in my life.

Today I replace these old images with perfect acceptance of all that I am.

For years, I would "ruminate," sit and think abut things. Sometimes this would lead me into depression. Being a writer, all this thinking and analyzing has served its purpose in bettering my writing and analysis of life and why we do the things we do but all this thinking, regretting primarily over a bad decision made or wanting to change some physical attribute of my own is just a waste of time! I'll actually spend time thinking it over and over in my head, using my imagination to "re-enact" the what happened and imagine it happening just the way I really wanted it to or I'll spend time thinking about the what if's what if I looked a certain way?

I am learning to let life roll off my shoulders more and more.This greatly aids in my own self and general life acceptance. I've learned to accept my physical attributes just the way they are and to commit to change what can be changed and learn to more than accept-love my outside just as much as my inside person. I've learned to accept that the past is the past, even if it is just one second ago! There is only the future to look forward to and the present to live in. What we do, the way we act and the decisions we make are just reflective of what we were thinking at the time they were made.

Laughter

2009-04-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

I rejoice in my laughter....

Laughter is a vital part of life, born in a baby's smile. I am alive with delight. As I continue to recover, I am more aware of the healing that laughter brings. Laughter is one of God's gifts to lighten the heart. I accept and reflect happiness and see it appearing everywhere.

Humor is an integral part of life, and I rejoice in the manifestation of it. Laughter is the music of my soul and my spirit. Today I connect my head and my heart with the complete release that laughter brings.

It's true laughter infuses the spirit. Medically it releases the endorphins, your body's feel good chemicals and you... feel good, better.

On my other blog I mentioned laughter is one of my New Year's resolutions. I gain inspiration from a member of my rock and roll band who laughs often. In the face of being teased, or of someone being too serious and getting angry around him, he laughs. And every time I just feel the air lighten and "watch" as the energy shifts in the room. We all have the magic to laugh, and since laughter is contagious, that positive energy easily spreads. I'm not metaphysical but this explanation seems kind of along those lines, right? Now I guess I'll be cliche:

"Laughter really is the best medicine."

In listing laughter as a resolution I'm left to consciously be aware of doing it more and as I do I realize how healing it can be. In order to help me laugh, I'll try to focus on the irony of things: when I walk out of the grocery store with a full cart and it starts to down pour, or when I leave a car wash and half a mile down the road a bird releases itself as if it aimed for the shiniest car on the road! When a white shirt serves as a magnet for spaghetti or pizza sauce.... "every single time!!"

I can choose to get mad or just laugh. Life's too short not to!

Decisions, decisions....

2009-04-11T19:36:00.000-07:00

One of my biggest challenges lately is having fewer second thoughts and just letting life roll off my shoulders. I do not consider myself O.C.D.(obsessive-compulsive) but I am a "serious" person. This is in part to being an ACA (we have to learn HOW to have fun in our lives) and being an oldest sibling. I think it mostly has to do with having to learn how to have fun in our lives.

There's no doubt that since I've sung with a rock band I have loosened up (at least on stage) but I still find myself in my daily life worrying, especially once I've made a decision to go through with something. It can be anything as small as an email or phone call or just something I said to someone. Or it can be a larger decision like deciding what to do next in my life.

I met with my ACA sponsor (and now one of my best friends) for coffee the other day. In telling our recent stories of our lives and healing, we informed each other of our latest issues:

"Mine is in not feeling guilty." she told me.

"Mine is in not second guessing myself," I said.

We laughed in that these two issues were similar.Sometimes I feel guilt over making a decision and she second guesses herself when she feels guilt. Guilt and second guessing are time wasters.
Fact is, once a decision is made there should not be any guilt or remorse. Decisions are funny things because no matter how good or bad the decision seems (how does that expression go? "Hindsight is 20/20?") We need to reassure ourselves we made a decision based on the knowledge we had and our feelings at the time.

My girlfriend feels guilty because she struggles with the her "old self" wanting to isolate.
Going along with this, she claims she feels the most guilty when she doesn't return friends' phone calls (like mine) and as more and more time goes by more and more fear and guilt sets in. Then she claims she feels like she has put the friendship at a risk and decides its too late to call. I tell her to remind herself that its okay and we understand and are not mad that she doesn't always return our calls.

In the book Streetwise Time Management author Marshall Cook says:

"You Make the call and then you act" (and you shouldn't even spend one second second-guessing!")

He stresses the need to practice the art of instant response: recognizing the options, making the call and acting quickly. Its the new 3 R's:

Read (the situation)

Reflect (on the choices)

Respond with decisive actions all without

Remorse (the fourth R)

What if we made the wrong choice?

Cook says, "Wrong choices fall into one of two categories: your choice either didn't actually make any significant difference or it did. Banish the second guessing from your mind--its a waste of energy!"

So, as I learn to lose any possible remorse of a bad or changed decision, I'll have to tell my friend to banish her guilty feelings. Its good to know both of these issues stem from being an adult child. In the alcoholic home the alcoholic is great at laying heavy guilt trips if we even thought of blaming the problems on alcohol. So we've been conditioned to second guess and feel guilt and like anything, becoming aware is the first step in breaking a cycle.

Sponsorship

2009-03-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

In recovery we progress from hurting to healing to helping. We pass on the gift of our own recovery to help others heal.

An ACA sponsor is someone who truly understands what its like being raised in a dysfunctional family. Someone who listens and with whom we feel comfortable sharing our progress.

It is important this person be active member of ACA attending meetings on a regular basis, working the 12 steps and honestly helping themselves in their own lives.

A sponsee does not feel a burden to their sponsor by asking of their time, though a sponsor may wish to make that clear upon first accepting an offer of sponsorship.

Sponsorship is our chance at giving back to the fellowship both for the sponsor and sponsee. Sponsorship offers us another form of growing.

There are many kinds of sponsorships available to us:

Direct:

Fellow traveler. This is the traditional method. This person is often found in the same fellowship or within a similar group, such as another Adult Children support group or another Alanon group, if we're in Alanon.

Temporary Sponsor only serves until a permanent one is found.

Multiple sponsors are okay only as long as we are not using this method to avoid intimacy or shopping for an opinion we just want to hear.

Co-sponsors two people in agreement sponsor each other

Long distance sponsors- thanks to the internet this is much easier to do. In fact, some people prefer this route because there is sometimes a greater sense of security in being anonymous. Some people feel they can be themselves more.

Indirect:

Step study groups: Meet regularly, work steps together
Service boards/committees: can mentor healthy behavior and offer sponsorship influence but are not to be used as replacement for traditional types of sponsorship

An effective sponsor:

watches for willingness of sponsee to take action.
knows how to protect boundaries of both sponsor and sponsee.
learns and also works the 12 steps
has confronted own denial and surrendering
knows own story and can tell it with honesty and humility
has achieved an observable level of serenity.

Clarity

2009-03-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

Clarity is always within my reach....

My thinking is simplified today as I center my attention to my inner voice.So often in my alcoholic home, the environment was chaotic and complicated. As a child, I seemed to be always caught up in cross currents of confusion.As an adult, my thinking sometimes becomes muddled and I have trouble making decisions.

I have the ability to simplify my thinking. I can pause and take time to llok over the pros and cons of a decision and not become overwhelmed.

When I am called upon to make a decision, I will quiet my thoughts and align myself with divine order. I will listen to my inner voice as I let my Higher Power guide and direct my thinking.

Clarity is available to me and order is already established. I have only to tune in and listen.

Discovery

2009-03-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

I am on a Journey to Discover the Strong Inner Me...

I will open myself to risk and to surprise. Like all journeys, the quest for self-knowledge can bring strength and illumination. I have confidence. I will accept both my power and my needs. I will recognize that my strength comes from caring and nurturing myself and from caring and nurturing others. I will reflect on those I love and know that I, too, am loved.I bask in the warmth of this knowledge.

I have needs, and I am an important person. I will not be diminished, but will grow deep, take root, and cultivate power. As I search, I will discover and revel in the many facets of my inner strength.

One of the biggest I have realized we can create strong Inner selves is by knowing who we are inside and out.

There is no greater power than knowing yourself. "Know thyself."

Success

2009-03-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

Today I approach all of my projects with confidence....

I deserve to live this day triumphantly. Today I choose to expreience joy as I keep my heart and mind open to wonderful experiences.

I approach all projects today with confidence and faith in my success. Whether a small project or a great undertaking, I will finish each task and know my success is assured. I will silence all remarks of failure and realize that these are voices from the past. They have no bearing on my life today.

I have the ability, as a spiritual being, to assume control over my life. Within me exists Divine potential to meet each day joyously with faith in my success.

I will choose to be postive and aware of my feelings today and everyday.Sometimes I feel irritable or depressed and I realize these moods are often just results of bad foods I eat or a lack of exercise or not enough sleep. If this list is not the culprit and I did eat right, etc. and am still feeling down I look at what's going on in my life. Perhaps I am fearful of taking a next step towards something that overwhelms me? I've felt this way many times esp. the past year when I chose to venture into my own business. Uncertainty is a fact of any entrepeneur's life and I'm learning fast the value of eating right, exercising and most of all keeping optimistic and an overall positive state of mind.

Letting Go

2009-03-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

Today I let go of the things I can't control...

The concept of letting go is difficult to grasp. When my home life was chaotic, I tried everything in my power to control what I could. When my home life was rigid, I was taught that to be out of control was disastrous. To conceive of letting go of things over which I have no control sounds good but what does it mean?

To let go and let God take over doesn't mean I give up. It means I do the best I can. It means that I don't have to control the outcome of every event. Letting go is a positive act of faith. It is releasing the idea that I must carry the whole load and the whole weight of responsibility for anyone or anything.

I feel a great sense of relief in knowing that I have only to do my part, to take responsibility for my own actions. I take it easy today and relax my hold on the fine art of never giving up. Trusting and relaxed, I surrender.

Building on Mistakes

2009-03-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

I accept my mistakes and let them contribute to my learning and growth...

The price I must pay for any knowledge is to discover it for myself. I must learn my own lessons- I must make my own mistakes. I must pay my own consequences. The knowledge that I gain represents me with a new challenge. I can choose to remain where I am and stagnate or I can choose to grow.

My goal is to be able to look at myself and feel good about my achievements and my mistakes. I understand the choices I have made are neither good nor bad, but wise or unwise. I can neutralize feelings of guilt and shame when I realize that past inadequacies were dependent upon my particular state of awareness at that time. When I look back at past situations with newly-acquired awareness, I wonder how I could have been so naive or unintelligent. I will treat myself kindly today as I realize that I was not as aware then as I am now.

Today I accept that my life is, to date, the best that I can accomplish. I will continue to improve as I grow in success and in wisdom.

I still can't believe I actually proclaimed once I would let everyone else make the mistakes around me, and I would promise to learn from them! That was one of the biggest mistakes I made! While I could observe others' missteps and watch the resulting consequences I actually thought I could avoid making my own mistakes! Nice try. My list of mistakes aka "learnings" is very, very long by now! And I truly am all the wiser now. Our lessons don't always have to be hard but we do have to go through that rather uncomfortable feeling of not knowing something. Nothing pertains to my own recovery as relating to the cliche "the only way out is through." Going through something, experiencing it all firsthand is the best way to learn. Experience is part of what makes us human. When I came to ACA, as every newcomer is warned many emotions arose and I went through a series of feeling embarrassed to elated as I shared with the group my struggles and triumphs. As my healing advanced, I remember sharing in other's pain, tears welling up in my own eyes as they told of their own struggles and triumphs. I've learned that it does no good to fight our emotions.

We are entitled to every one and especially as adult children, many of us grew up having to suppress our thoughts and feelings. I've learned emotions are as important as any other bodily function and to let them pass like ocean waves that swell and subside, hence the expression "waves of emotions." Emotions are the body's way of alerting us to how we feel about a certain situation and accepting and listening to them helps us choose what to do next.

Healthy Thoughts

2009-02-27T07:45:00.000-08:00

I silence old negative messages and replace them with healthy thoughts....

My beliefs affect my life. When my energy is expended on negative thoughts, I get the same old negative results. I have a very decided part in achieving the changes that I desire. I must silence the negative beliefs that have no bearing on my life today.

If old thoughts of anxiety or shame enter my thinking, I can silence them with soothing voices of my healthy adult self. Self-talk can be a useful tool for me. For positive changes to occur, its not enough to wish that my life were different. If I don't keep thinking in accord with the progress I have made, I do not get good results.

Today I will concentrate upon the very things I would like to see taking place in my life. I will not allow old mental habits to erode the changes I desire.

In other words, I will keep my negative thoughts at bay. It isn't always easy to reprogram our minds from negative to more positive thinking, but anything that we make good conscious effort to do is possible and of benefit to us. I belong to several groups where the negative thoughts are simply referred to as the "inner critic" that nagging voice inside that constantly doubts our abilities and "reasons" us out of going after our dreams. The inner critic is a self esteem killer if we listen to it we may only talk ourselves right out of things!

Decision-making

2009-02-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

I make decisions with confidence...
I face choices without fear today, for I am confident in my decision- making skills. As I continue to make decisions--fearlessly, boldly--my decision-making proficiency grows.

There was a time in my life when all the decisions I made seems to be wrong. This was because I was living in the lose- Lose situation that an alcoholic home creates. Today, I recognize that I am free to make appropriate decisions with confidence.

The more decisions I make, the more accurate I am becoming. From past unwise decisions, I experience growth. When I make the right decisions, I gain increased confidence and freedom to move in any direction at my will.

When I am faced with choices, I will not allow the past to paralyze my ability to take responsibility by the decisions I make.

Appreciation

2009-02-21T16:13:00.000-08:00

I am appreciated and I appreciate others...

Today I will surround myself with people who value my own worth as well as their own. Even though others might not express their appreciations, still I know that the world was created for my sake too. What more personal assurance of my own belonging to the universe can I find than the fact that a divine power has placed me here and arrayed all the bounty and the beauty of the world here before me.

I feel appreciated today, not just for what I do, but for who I am. I acknowledge my abilities and talents, as well as the special essence that is me.

Today I leave behind the competitive "you" or "me" from the past. Each of us has a special place in the universe. Knowing this, I can appreciate my friends and colleagues for all that they do and all that they are. Another person's success or achievement does not diminish my own.

This day I am part of the wonderful exchange of appreciation that makes each person feel needed, wanted and important.

Today I have realized that in the end the race is only with ourselves and its totally useless to compare ourselves with any one else. Because no one else is us. We are each unique and special and will make our own choices along the way based on who we are and what we want to or already have experienced. When I decided I was gonna change my life around, a full 360 degrees and be willing ot start from scratch, I went through a lot of hardship and heartache but I became obsessed with my decision: I was not going to surround myself any longer with abusive people. I had had enough and instinctively I knew I deserved better treatment, we all do. Nobody deserves to be abused and we basically let it happen and attract it to us because somehow we believe we are unworthy of any better, respectful treatment. For those of us who grew up in alcoholic homes we were kept off balance, taught to deny our feelings about something being terribly wrong and left without learning proper boundaries. Thus, we trust way too soon and sometimes allow our boundaries to be crossed abusively, or we avoid intimacy at all costs, not knowing who to trust and protecting ourselves from being hurt, sometimes even becoming abusive ourselves. Its seems to be a vicious cycle that spreads like a wildfire once started.

We need to remember that no matter where we are in our recovery we are moving forward.

Setting limits

2009-02-18T07:47:00.000-08:00

I have a clear, well-defined sense of myself...
Today I celebrate my boundaries, I celebrate my clearly-defined sense of self. As I progress in recovery, my fuzzy edges are becoming defined.

In my alcoholic home, it was never clear as to what was my responsibility and what was not. Cause and effect thinking was usually distorted. I felt that I caused events that had nothing to do with me. In the past, my damaged boundaries allowed me to take on others' pain and assume it as my own. It was never clear where I needed and others began.

Today I have a clearly-defined sense of me. I know what feelings are mine and what feelings belong to others. I know what is my responsibility and what is not.

Today I am beginning to establish my limits and say, " No, I won't!" and even, " You can't make me!" I can depend on my feelings and trust my body to establish and maintain my clear boundaries.

Song Lyrics!

I wrote this song a couple of months back ,thought I'd post the lyrics here for you:

"Boundaries"
You

want to reach me
get to know the person underneath this skin
You

want to know me
You need to knock I m not about to let just anyone in

where I end and you begin
is a line I've drawn
where You end and I begin
we need to agree upon

Chorus:
I've got boundaries
there's a part of me I can give to you if I choose
Boundaries are stopping me from giving all of me to you
or you to me
Boundaries

You

want to show me you're safe
it could take some time before I'm all right in your embrace
Maybe

I've seen you coming
Don't know where you've been I only know where I am going

Its a right we are born with
a rule I like to live by
to stand our ground protect ourselves, do or die

I may have been burned before
not yet cool to the touch
Maybe I have been a fool
who let down her guard in a rush
oh but no more
chorus

I've known adult children and some recovered alcoholics who go to CODA, or codependents anonymous, because as the affirmation above states, sometimes our boundaries stay blurred into adulthood and this gets us into trouble. For example, we may allow people to abuse us or we may become people pleasers or both. We may give of ourselves to no end. Or we may step over other people's boundaries because we just want to help. Either way, we are unfulfilled and

at risk of attracting toxic unhealthy relationships.

Re-learning how to define our boundaries is not an easy task. Un-learning something and re-learning it never is. But In Aca we learn how to re parent ourselves and we are given the opportunity to create healthier habits.

Giving

2009-02-15T12:35:00.000-08:00

I can give to others with no strings attached.....

I am changing my definition about what makes a good mother, a good father a good person. A good person is not a giving machine. I am not expected, nor do I choose to continue to give more than I receive. I don;t have to persuade others to like me or to notice me. In my own right, I am likable, lovable, and noticeable. As a child, I needed much more attention than I received. I grew up with the notion that if I can just give enough, maybe I'll start getting back. This belief is erroneous and destructive for me.

Today I will give when appropriate and when I desire. I will not use giving as a mechanism to coerce other sin to feeling sorry for me. Giving is lovely when it is given in the spirit of free choice.

Today the motivation for my giving is clean--no strings attached.

Present Moment

2009-02-13T07:09:00.000-08:00

I will savor each moment....

Today I will take time to savor the small pleasures the day brings. I will concentrate on small periods of time, present time. I will not get bogged down in past anxieties or apprehensions about the future.

I want to savor this day, to truly dwell in the present-each second, each minute, each hour.

Growing up in a troubled family, I often gave up the present moment to dwell on past hurts and future fears. NO MORE! Today the present is mine, and I will savor it.

Many of us who have experienced trauma in their lives still feel anxiety today. This is a condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and can though its effects gradually do lessen it leaves some of us with a very unsettling sort of feeling at times. For instance, when I think about getting "out there" more I get nervous. Maybe because I'm simply fearing the unknown. We always fear the unknown, because we don't know what to expect. This is where I have to remember to let go (let God) and go with the flow more. I think sometimes this may be another place my anxiety might stem from: feeling like I have to control what's going on around me rather than just letting it all be. Its like the serenity prayer: accept the people we cannot change except for the one we can and knowing that one is me. I have to remember I can only change my feelings and reactions to what goes on around me. Exercise and nature especially remind me of this.

For example, I enjoy running and walking and remind myself how great I feel after I'm done exercising. Nature can be very soothing, and exercising outdoors is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. When I walk outside I can practice feeling serenity and peace and living in the present moment.

2009-02-11T04:02:00.000-08:00

Found this on youtube- he speaks about issues Adult Children have:

Again, Courage

2009-02-07T08:15:00.000-08:00

I possess the courage to choose the direction of my life.....

I can live the kind of life that the deepest part of me desires. I have the courage to choose the direction of my life. I have the courage to make decisions which will enhance my life, and I have the willingness to act upon my decisions.

I am on a voyage of discovery. I am discovering the core issues that prevent me from enjoying life. I am discovering the specific fears that inhibit the growth of my full potential.

I am discovering my motivations and intentions so that I can make clear decisions about my life. All of my discoveries help me to take full responsibility for my life and help me to create my new and positive paths to follow.

I feel my true essence emerge and express itself. Today I am inspired to search within for the strength to continue to freely choose the direction of my life.

Courage

2009-02-06T06:26:00.000-08:00

Fearlessly, I face my fears....

Today I will examine my fears without anxiety. Fear, more than anything else, can hold me in bondage. Fear can place chains around my soul and slow down my progress in life.

I can conquer fear. I can face my fears and work to overcome them.

I place my fears in the hands of my Higher Power, and fear diminishes, fear loses its hold on me. Centered in my Higher Power, I am free from worry and anxiety.

Today I release the small nagging fears and the overpowering threats that seem to have me in a vise.

Today I remember that I shall not fear, for my Higher Power is with me.

How's that saying go? "The only thing to fear is fear itself."

Through recovery I've realized that you can't just get over, you have to work through. I suppose that's one way of facing your fears. I had to "face up" to the fact that parental alcoholism had affected my life in a major way. Because of the instability me and each of my siblings grew up feeling, we continued to find more in our adult lives. I didn't realize this until coming to ACoA but we each took on the traits of an Adult Child.

When I came to ACoA I was already in counseling for abusive relationships. Admitting I needed counseling and making those weekly sessions took courage enough. Then applying what I was learning through the counseling was another sort of courage. My counselor said to me "You are going to go through agony, there will be flashbacks and set backs and a lot of emotional pain, but if you want to change your life around, you're gonna have to go through it all."

This was many years ago and she was so right.

In recovery I also learned we are never alone. Step #1 I "Let Go and let God" (or what I consider my Higher Power) wants to take over. I can remember the first time I experienced the weight being lifted off my mind and soul. I was walking on a path in a nearby woods and the sun was warm on my face. I remembered Step One. It felt like a risk like when you first hand over your baby to an anxious relative to hold. I pictured myself handing over all my worries, all my concerns and questions. And a tremendous weight was lifted. I felt comfort in knowing an all-knowing advisor was going to be helping me out and had offered to help me out. It took a lot of courage to do that. Sometimes I still would rather hold on. It takes courage to remind ourselves there is help out there, no one has to suffer alone.

Surrender

2009-02-05T06:07:00.000-08:00

Love is for me....

I can surrender to love and still preserve my independence. When I worry about losing myself in love, it usually means that my sense of personal identity is fragile.

I do not surrender myself to the other person; I surrender to my feelings for the other person. It is a disastrous error to think that I will lose or gain my identity in a relationship. I do not approach relationships with the belief that love can fill vacuum of identity. Love is for people who know who they are. Loving and appreciating and knowing ourselves helps us to love another.

Peace

2009-02-04T05:57:00.000-08:00

I am at peace within myself, calm and tranquil....

I am composed today, and I feel the inner harmony and the inner peace that comes with balance. Alert and confident, I face stresses and pressures, knowing that I can quiet turbulent emotions I can calm my racing thoughts.

Today I will take the time to release the tensions I feel- through physical activity, meditation, prayer or another form of self- affirmation. I let myself relax and feel the tension flow out of y muscles. All anxiety vanishes as I center myself and experience the peace of my Higher Power.

I will carry this inner peace with me into every activity today. I remain calm and composed in control of my thoughts and words, my actions and reactions.

No matter what transpires today, i know that nothing- no person, no situation--can disturb my calm and peace, my serenity.

Hope

2009-02-03T06:32:00.000-08:00

I can make my dreams become reality....

I have dreams and wishes and I know that I can work towards making those dreams and wishes come true. Visualizing the future, I have an attitude of hopeful expectancy. I delight in challenges that bring out the best in me.

In my alcoholic family my hopes took the form of fantasies. I hoped for magical cures and miraculous changes. I wanted family members to behave differently. I dreaded the future and hope that next week would somehow be better. Or next month. Or next year. I prayed that some external force would make life more bearable.

But now I've gradually learned that the only changes I can control are changes in myself. I can change, I can control my reactions to people and events.

Today I will focus on what I can do to start making my hopes become realities.

The great thing about being an adult is we have the freedom to choose what we want to do.......

Needs

2009-02-02T06:03:00.000-08:00

I acknowledge my needs today, and I feel free to make them known......

I acknowledge my needs, and it is all right to meet those needs without feeling guilty and ashamed. I will take the risk of today to express myself and my needs to those I trust.

I will face the frightening voices from the past that tell me I am unworthy and threaten me. This day I answer those voices, and I move beyond them and gradually reveal my needs to those who care.

I understand fully that no one can fill my emptiness, no single person can make me feel complete. Even when I make my needs known, others will not always answer. Sometimes they cannot.

Today I realize that even those who care about me most cannot read my mind. My needs will not go unnoticed today as I begin to make them known.

Almost everyone that I have been in contact with the past few days wants more than anything for winter to be gone. Several have also shared that they feel depressed.

January is a long month, February is shorter and once March hits we can begin to feel optimistic, even if only in anticipation of warmer weather.

So, because I've chosen to focus our need to escape the blues during this gray (and white) season, I've compiled a list of things to do in February.

Groundhog day Punxsutawney Phil is the famous groundhog in Pennsylvania that gets pulled out on Feb. 2. Legend is if he sees his shadow and retreats back into his home there is six more weeks of winter... funny, there always seems to be sun on Feb. 2??!

or you can watch the movie, Groundhog Day with Bill Murray and Andie Macdowell.

Celebrate the birthdays of two of the most infuential people of our time, Abraham Lincoln and George Washington and maybe you're lucky enough to have that Monday celebrated as Presidents Day off. Three day weekend!

There are four weekends this month and one of them is Valentine's day. You don't have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife to celebrate the day of love. But it can be a day where you spread the love to friends, family and yourself. Congratulate how far you've come in your recovery by treating yourself.

February is the shortest month of the year, only 28 (sometimes 29 days) but once its over we enter March and get ready for spring. Thankfully with Daylight savings time on its way we are already seeing a little more daylight each day.

Ok, I am trying here! Anything good about February you'd like to share?

Serenity

2009-02-01T06:26:00.000-08:00

I allow my higher power to enter my life today, and cherish the serenity that follows....

Today I will set aside my ego and I will realize that I have an undeniable connection with a Higher Power. The connection is reviewed by insightful discoveries, in moments when I am stirred beyond words, and during instants of wonder and amazement.

I trust the serenity my Higher Power provides. I am in touch with the irrefutable reality that life has meaning- all my life, My life. I rejoice in being a part of the universe. I am cared for and protected by my Higher Power.

Everything we have been through has made us who we are today.

Chutes and Ladders

2009-01-31T09:02:00.000-08:00

About 2:15 pm yesterday I got a call from my brother- something about not getting out in time to get his daughter off the school bus. I drove up to his house to help out. I was ten minutes from their home and I got another call he was able to get out in time afterall. I told him I'm ten minutes away, might as well visit anyway. As we were waiting for my niece's bus my brother informed me he got arrested and thrown in jail for a drunken domestic dispute with his girlfriend. My mother called the police I found out later because my brother pushed her down. His girlfriend took off for her family's home in New Hampshire.

When my neice and I later took their dog for a walk, we came back to find a woman with a clipboard standing in the driveway."Ooooh, its Grandma, Grandmas's home."

I muttered, "Noo, that doesn't look like Grandma."

We came closer and the lady said hello to us and asked me if my brother was home. I told her he was upstairs. I thought it was a neighbor. I didn't know that was the DCF worker! My neice asked me to sit with her in her room as the case worker asked questions of what my niece experienced last night. Later I went up to speak with my mother.

She was unsure she had done the right thing. I told her that she needed to use tough love on her son because if a man doesn't respect his mother he will not respect his girlfriend and later wife. This I've learned through my own experiences.

My mom told me she has slipped too. She said it with such shame her eyes looked down and away and when they looked back at me had tears glistening. I wanted to make her feel good so I told her recovery is like playing a board game, sometimes you slide back a few spaces but just remember you're always moving forward! She nodded, smiled and said "Yeah, I guess its like chutes and ladders." I think chutes and ladders is a little more extreme- face it, when you slip down a chute you can go way, way, back in the game. In sympathizing with anyone who faces their addiction head on it probably feels that extreme when you slip.

Blessings & recovery to those of us who stay in the game.

Awareness

2009-01-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

I am renewed and refreshed in my new awareness.....

I have new awareness in my life, a lightning-borne, electrical awareness that I am free to deal with the past. I am free to come to terms with the painful fact that I grew up in an alcoholic home. As the adult child of an alchoholic, I realize that I was affected by my family in many ways. Even as an adult, I feel anxious and afraid, just as a child fears lightning.

But sometimes lightning brings a bright flash that illuminates the darkness, and we can see where we are. A lightning storm may make us feel isolated, anxious and afraid, but after the storm, we feel renewed and refreshed.

I now know that I can choose to deal with this new awareness or let it rest. After this blinding truth revealed itself, I realized I could never be the same person.

I am enlightened, exhilarated, and I am freer than ever to put the past behind me and do what needs to be done.

I think when we are brought up with such dysfunction we are in a way like plants that have been uprooted and recovery is about finding ways to ground ourselves and re-root. This can be very, very difficult to do. For example, if you don't really have a role model early on to follow, how do you know how to cope with certain events in your life, as a parent? an Employee?

How do we know what to do in the face of conflict? How do we learn how to finish what we've started?

My heart goes out to my mom, who pursued college and kept winning grants for her good grades to pursue her English teaching degree. She had such high hopes and held such promise that later got thrown away. She still gets back on the wheel and pushes ahead though she often does relapse. It seems to be a push/pull; she pushes onward and the disease pulls her back. Sometimes on bad days I get angry at her for not completing her goal and I get so afraid I am going to drop all my balls and stop moving ahead. I am aware of my faults as an Adult child. This is one: abandoning a project before its completion. Falling into a paralyzing depression is another. But by being aware I am able to set deadlines to make sure I finish my projects and I've found ways to prevent the spiral into depression such as working out 4-6 days a week and eating good foods. Simple stuff, takeing care of ourselves can make all the difference. I know my mothers alcoholism was brought on by her own depression. Its a vicious cycle and I've learned the only way to break a cycle is to see its pattern first.

Book review

2009-01-30T08:43:00.000-08:00

About three months ago I set up an account and began posting reviews for Amazon.

I thought that I'd focus on only certain types of books (mostly self help) and titled my reviews "Thriver Books" books that help survivors to lead a better life. One of the books I reviewed is about Adult Children. The link to this review is below. Feel free to comment about it.
http://www.amazon.com/review/RBEBXO2WKVUBM/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm

Control

2009-01-30T08:11:00.000-08:00

I am learning to flow with the current of life......

I let go of my struggle to control today. I give up efforts to dominate life. I no longer feel the need to force things to happen my way. I no longer need to hold on, to control.

Just as the river has powerful currents, life, too has strong forces that pull and tug. And just as the leaf in the river survived by going with the flow, I, too will go with the flow of life.

The river flows around boulders, obstacles and obstructions, and I, too, will find my course around obstructions and frustrations in my life. I have survived the forces that would have weakened or even annihilated me, and I have sprung free and open to the beauty of life.

I have believe everything happens for a reason and there are no cooincidences. We draw whatever we think towards us. I've learned to keep my thoughts positive and lose the negative because the negative will only tie me down and hold me back from achieving my goals and dreams. There will always be bad days and I can choose how to react to those days, or let them get me down. As an Adult child, I learned to take life seriously, way too seriously.

I remember feeling proud that the adults around me thought I acted very mature for my age when I was fourteen or so. I took my career, schooling and responisbilities seriously. I had no time for friends and the silliness of highschool I was working part time to save up for my license and a car. I was dating men much older than me who had "real world" problems. I could not wait to graduate high school because I needed to be out into the real world soon. I unfortuantely dropped so many friends because their problems were so petty - wondering what outfit to wear to a party, wondering who would ask them to the prom. Looking back I realize they were living their lives, going with the flow of being young.

After several years on my own and before recovery I realized those days I missed called me back loud and clear. I became reckless and dropped a lot of my responsiblities. Now in the real world, I took this to the extreme: I called in to work last minute, I skipped assignments and fudged work I handed in. I tried to find the fun in being irresponsible. I did what I could to relive those years missed. I read somewhere during tha time that we sort of stay the same age we were when the trauma affected us most. For me, I was about seventeen. Seventeen forever, hmmm.. that's a concept! I sang with a rock and roll band and got to act silly, I got attention and made jokes on stage. From the band we were invited to a lot of parties so I think I've finally made up those lost years!

Part of growing up, becoming mature is realizing we can't control life. It can't really control us either, certainly not how we react to the things that happen to us, that's our choice. As children we really didn't have a choice what environment we grew up in. In some cases, we weren't allowed to choose our reactions. We might have heard: "You didn't see that." "NO, I'm not hungover, I just have a headache. " or " Your Dad has to lie on the floor because of his back, he did not pass out."

The great thing about being grown up is we can choose. Where we live, where we work, what we do, if we will go to meetings to help us or if we will sit back and blame our parents or feel sorry for ourselves. At different stages in my life, even over the past five years, I've chosen all the above. The best choice I ever made was to realize I had the power to break the cycle of alcoholism and abuse in my family, at least its effect in my life. Breaking a habit or cycle is never easy and I remember feeling emotional agony, confusion, depression, loss, hope, searching and finally gratitude! Yes, I was and still am grateful for all the tests I was put through because that's all life is: One big learning curve! We can control what we choose to learn from:) Oh, and learning is not always fun!

Sensual Life

2009-01-29T06:46:00.000-08:00

I will open my senses to the beauty that surrounds me.......
Today is the day to revel in my sensual being. I participate in life today, with my senses open, alert, receptive.

So often as I was growing up in my alcoholic family, I found my vision clouded, my hearing stunned and my sense of touch numbed.

Today I am a new person. I will take special care to open my eyes to the beauty of nature. I will notice the free-form artistry of clouds and the wizardry of trees and leaves. I see colors, shaped and shades.

I listen to sounds, to the murmur of voices, the mood of music, the rustle of fabric and the hushed flow of air. I taste these flavors and I savor my food.

I touch those near to me with love and gentleness, and I am touched in return. I cherish the texture of touch, the texture of life.

Often in recovery as we go about trying to find peace in our lives we are advised to live in the present moment, the "here and now." Growing up in an alcoholic home we were often taught not to believe what we heard, saw or felt in order to keep the family secret so we may have learned to deny our senses in the process. We learned how to feel nothing, to be numb.

Recovery has taught me to try to feel. When I hear music, I like to turn it up and feel its rhythm pulse through me. Sometimes I'll move to its rhythm. Sometimes I'll even sing along!
Singing is just a "feel good" activity that's easy to do. Who cares if you think you can't sing because you don't like the sound?!! Do whatever makes you in touch with the present moment and helps you to enjoy it more.

Some people like to meditate. Though I've only tried it once or twice, I do understand the goal of meditation is to relax and center yourself by paying attention to your breathing and clearing your mind of its daily clutter. In other words, learning to feel only the present moment.
Some other ways to get in touch with your senses:

in the summertime, find a farmers market near you and experience the richness of of fresh, homegrown organic fruits and veggies **(Let me tell you all the hype about organic foods and eating locally convinced me try it last summer. And when I sauteed up the fresh tomatoes, eggplants, peppers and onions the taste was so different from buying at a grocery store. It made my eating experience that much richer and fulfilling!)

In the snow, make snow angels. In the fall jump in a pile of leaves.

When there is a warm rain and your not in danger of getting sick (like in the summertime,) take down your umbrella let the rain drops slash in your face, splash in a puddle, play with your (inner) child

Take your car to the car wash and just watch! Feel the car rock underneath you as the undercarriage is sprayed, feel the dizzying sensation of the machine moving beside you that gives the illusion of your car moving (even though its in park) listen to the spray cleanse the vehicle.

Enjoy your favorite flavor of ice cream or rich decadent mousse once in awhile, eat it slowly and revel in its texture and luxury.

Take a bath and use the foamy kind of bubbles

We'd love to hear if you can think of more activities to help you get in touch with your senses, comment below.

Writing these examples I realized these are ways a child must see life, so open to the things we may take for granted. Life surely can be so much more fulfilling when we choose to open our senses and take in each moment that passes.

Growth

2009-01-28T08:29:00.000-08:00

I see the many things I can learn from others. I will be aware today of all that I can learn from others. I appreciate the variety I see, the different skills, abilities, wisdom and special intelligence. I observe others' emotional responses and see there is no single "right way" for everyone. I freely look at different viewpoints without feeling threatened, without feeling that I must take back my own thoughts and beliefs.

I feel lucky for being able to experience diversity, and I feel fortunate in sharing that many facets of other people's lives. I feel relaxed and nonjudgemental about the diversity around me as I learn from the wisdom of others.

Taking a look back at all the years I have been in recovery, I can see how many ways I have grown, and mostly it is from observing and embracing others diferences, accepting them and accepting myself. For along time in my life I used to wish I was someone else. I usually found someone in my class who I decided I'd rather look like and would find myself trying to dress like them, act like them and be more like them. In retrospect I must have thought if I could act l;ike someone else, perhaps I would also have a different life. Of course that was not the case. Its only in the last few years I can say I actually like who I am. I have my own voice and others may not agree with everything I say but I have grown away from the need to please everbody too. I have finally realized that I'm entitled to my own viewpoints and if others don't agree with what I think I don't need to take back what I've said.

Most important I have I have grown to realize that in the end the race is and was only with ourselves and I do things faster or slower than the next person and that's okay!

Introduction

2009-01-28T05:50:00.000-08:00

This is a blog for Adult Children or Grandchildren of an Alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional upbringing. We come together to express ourselves and share how our lives have been helped since coming to ACoA. This is where we "conquer the fear that has kept us from expressing the pain of the past and from feeling alienated from the world." (Jenny M.)
Love for ourselves and other members is what helps us choose love over fear.
"My name is Vanessa L. I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic."

There are two moments in my life where I began to understand just what that meant.

First, when I realized my mother was in fact an alcoholic.

Second, when she handed me the book, Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Rokelle Lerner.

I was often depressed in high school. After my parents divorce we moved three towns over as I was entering my sophomore year. My mother began drinking more and more frequently.

Blaming "family problems" I pushed away my friends, ignored my schoolwork, came home each day and stuffed my face with sugary, high fat foods. (Thankfully today I am in a regular exercise program!) I craved comfort and though I had a boyfriend overall I was very withdrawn. I began to see a school counselor more often though I wasn't sure if it was just an excuse to get out of class.

She asked me if it was possible my mother is an alcoholic. I didn't answer. I couldn't answer for a long time and I remember feeling like I had been living in a constant night time with no stars, no moon, no light whatsoever and somebody just shined a bright flashlight in my face.

The rest of the school day is a blur but I arrived at the day care center where I worked an hour early for my shift started and walked to the empty playground, sat down on a bench and cried. I cried a a big healthy sob for a good twenty minutes. I was finally accepting my mother did in fact, have a problem--and so did I.

Several years later I had been living with roommates and attending college and my mother told me she had been cleaning out the clutter from her house. "I have a book for you." The next time we saw each other she handed me the thick palm sized book of Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Whoa! I remember feeling both a slight revelation and a slap in the face! She knows she's an alcoholic but by handing me this book with no explanation at all, no apology, no "hopefully this will help you, " just "Here." I felt jipped!

Even still, I dutifully placed the book on my nightstand that night and tried to get in to the habit of reading a passage every day but before long I put it away with the rest of the books on my shelf.

Almost a decade later when I discovered an Adult Child of Alcoholics meeting I realized the group sometimes reads from a similar affirmations book. For those of us who want to view and use the daily affirmations on a daily or regular basis I've decided to post them.

I'll offer my own reflections but others are always welcome to comment.